Vera writes:

Subject: question about being the wife

So, you are the wife in this senerio. How do you get rid of the other woman? It appears to me, and I really would like you to correct me if I am wrong, that the wife is pretty much helpless here.

Brooke writes:

Subject: You Sound a little bitter

In the beginning of this article you said you had been in a relationship with a married man. You sound kind of bitter. You sound angry at men, angry at wives, and angry at yourself.

It started off good, when you described how these affairs begin, but then you started blaming men, blaming wives, and blaming yourself for not being a wife anymore. Never once did you blame the single woman who willing entered into an affair with a married man. She is not the naive airhead you describe. She is a woman who has given in to the selfish desires of her heart, despite strong feelings of wrongdoing. I would like to hear a little more about her, not just the hard-working wife who is too tired to cater to the whims of her selfish husband or the unappreciative husband who needs the attention of a single woman to feel valid. Just a thought.

Glo writes:

Subject: Been there..done that!

Well, I find myself totally understanding your motives for writing this piece. It was necessary for you to express your feelings and get the burden of being "the other" off your chest. For that I say, "Kudos." I was also in a sordid relationship with a married man and found myself believing that my "situation" was different from everyone else's. In truth, my "situation" was just like everyone else's. He feigned his undying love for me, left his wife, for a few month's and then went back home and tried to keep our relationship going. What a joke! I fell for it, hook, line, and sinker.

The bottom line: if anyone told me they were considering getting involved with a married man I would tell them to "RUN" as fast as they can. If the man really loves you, he'll leave his wife and then profess his undying love."

Thank you for writing this article. It helped me more than you could ever know.

julee writes:

Subject: what a crazy mess

Great article! I am actually going through this, and I am not the wife. It really helped me to "see the outcome", no matter how wonderful and charming this man is. You are right, the married man is an attraction. They are charming, wonderful, convenient, and heartbreaking.

carolyn writes:

Subject: married man

i read this and the description of the other woman is me .. it sucks to admit it but it's the exact scenario.. the broken hearted girl who felt trapped and is now on the rebound. and that is exactly how it will happen, nothing will further from the relationship :(

Melody writes:

Subject: Good read!

Great read, I also do not recommend having an affair with a married man, the pain is just unbearable and not worth it in the end, everyone gets hurt, aside from that, the man usually doesn't leave his wife anyway, it's a dead-end road.

Gillian writes:

Subject: Thank you for the balanced view!

I've recently found myself extremely tempted to carry on with a married man; I'm a single woman in my 40's who never expected to actually find herself considering this! No, I'm not naive, not someone who seeks out married men, just HUMAN and vulnerable to a close connection with someone with whom I share a great number of commonalities. All common sense tells me this is an emotionally dangerous thing to do & will have a bad ending for all the people involved; the man involved can see this too BUT clearly it will have to be ME who actually nips this in the bud and ends it NOW. Its hard to resist. Most of the online stuff on this topic has been EXTREMELY judgmental and bitter toward a person in my situation, so I appreciate your balanced analysis! Thank you, it helps me figure out a way to remain steadfast in my resolve and find a way to avoid damage. Any reasoned comments from others who actually found themselves in this situation would be welcome!

Jean writes:

Subject: Some comments

Hello Gillian, my situation is still in the very early stages, in fact I may just be imagining the entire thing. But I find that it helps to arm myself with knowledge. Support from good friends helps too, they're best with giving advices without condemning you. If you have time perhaps you can look up on flirting, it may be interesting to know how it really works and why it may be a good idea to flirt with more people and not just with the opposite sex. Other than that, I also tried doing the things I enjoy more and spent time with my family and just pamper myself. I just need to remind myself of the reasons I love being me. I chose to acknowledge the feeling I have (to myself) and instead of trying to control it(which only makes it stronger), I decided to work with it. Kinda like surfing the waves (with my feelings being the waves). Of course, I took some online advices too, I kept my interaction to the barest minimum, not be alone with just us two, no more talking about feelings and such, reminding myself that a married man is still a man and therefore shouldn't be considered safe. I sometimes ask providence for help too, and miraculously, help usually comes. Anyway, hope this helps.

Helen writes:

Subject: Seduction of a mrried man

I am the other woman. I found this article helped me to come to the realisation that I have been used for 3 years and I am in the process of ending this affair. Being the other woman brings pain, so deep you cannot imagine. You fall in love with this man despite not wanting to and not being able to but you can't help yourself. You ache for him but hve to wait until he contacts you. You worry bout him, nurture him, love him and all along he is having the best of both worlds.

Gillian writes:

Subject: Some Helpful Books for "The Other Woman"

Here are two books I have found extremely helpful (and nonjudgemental) in thinking about my situation - I've not ended it yet, and so be it. Logic just doesn't always rule. I have certainly learned that I will NEVER throw "theories" out about anyone's romantic situation based on how I think they SHOULD be behaving unless I have actually personally experienced it myself. This whole thing has made me more compassionate. You just don't know until you're there. Anyway, here are the books: "Secret Lovers - Affairs Happen...How to Cope" by Dr. Luann Linquist, and "Will He Really Leave Her For Me? Understanding Your Situation, Making Decisions For Your Happiness" by Rona Subotnik. Both are available through the big online booksellers (I found the public library only provided books aimed at the wife). Hope this helps!

Ingrid writes:

Subject: affair

I am involved with a married man for 8 years. He never promised me anything, both of us had not planed to fall in love. Business, family traditions and money prevent him from divorcing his wife. I have tried at least 5 times to leave him, without success. I love him endlessly. I suffer every day since the day we met. It hurts to stay and it hurts to leave. He is a part of me and life without him is no life at all. All the logic and suffering have not given me the strength to leave him. Please help.

Jean writes:

Subject: re: affair

There was an advice I got that says you should ask yourself this question: "Do I want to be in this situation?" Of course, you most probably will answer "yes" and that's fine. It will give you control and power over your what you have decided to do. So, everyday, just ask yourself the same question and see what happens. I hope it helps.

Ingrid writes:

Subject: re:affair

Jean, thank you for your responds. Believe me I ask myself that question every day. I do not want to be the other woman, but I can't stop loving him. Many of the readers say that a single woman who is involved with a married man is afraid of commitment, likes to be in control and all that, but it's nothing like that for me. I would love to get married again after being single for 10 years, I would love to wake up every morning next to the man I love. I would love to grow old with a man that I love. I am a committed partner, a one man kind of woman. I have no fear what so ever to commit. Do I want to be the other woman? Of course not. So why can't I find another man, that is 100% available? Because I love this one. I loved 2 men in my life, and I am now 53 years old. I am attractive, successful and sophisticated. He is a high power business man. I never thought I would be in a situation like that ever.

rather not say writes:

Subject: Married Man

Hello,

I was doing a search on this topic, and I came across this fantastic article that really hit the points for me. I've met a married man, who shares common interests, beliefs and vision. From our altruism behavior to career, we share the same values, which I found astonishing. So far we have become good friends. Nothing has happened between us; however, he flirts w/ me. And I cant help but to flirt back. He is really good looking, etc. I keep telling myself that if he tried to extend our relationship to something more. I would tell him to leave his wife if he really cared for me. Which I know will not happen.

However, on the other side. He has reinforced my beliefs that I will someday meet someone better than him. I actually feel loved and feel important, which has influenced my intentions to receive personal counseling (abused as a child). Which is a good and necessary thing that I've been holding off for years. Also, Im more interested on going out and looking nice hoping that I may might someone that is better than him.

audrey writes:

Subject: please help...

I'm the other woman. I totally agree with Helen's comments above. I'm 25 years old and I have been in love with a married man who is double my age for the last 3 years...Knowning that I have been wasting my time holding on to him and that he does have the best in both worlds...and I doubt his flirtation leads him to other illicit relationships too. It's unbearable but it could be worse if I lose him...What should I do? How can I forget him and move on when he keeps message me everyday and still shows that he cares for me? If only I can erase everything in my mind...Please advise...

petra writes:

Subject: married man

The article is indeed great! I'm having trouble right now trying to end a relationship with a man about whom I did not know he was married (he told me he "had been through this difficult divorce" which was canceled in the meantime.

I thought he was Mr Perfect, my only chance at happiness, but the article reveals some of the very things he told me and I took to be signs of affection.

I hope I can be strong enough to end this. It's mostly electronic flirting, he lives in a different country, but I've become dependent on him and I hopelessly tried to break it up once...

Erin writes:

Subject: Kinda

This thread was really helpful, but I'm in the whole denial stage and its ridiculous. Plus, it doesn't help that the married man in my case never flirted, but just outright told me how attracted he was to me and how he wished he could do it all over again and not have been married.

So aggravating. I didn't approach him, he just outright told me. He's 22 and I'm 18 and he's only been married two months because she got pregnant. I honestly believe they're unhappy cause I know the wife, but I've already told him no. I just...don't trust my own strength in the matter.

Audrey writes:

Subject: So true

This article made it easy for me to do what I needed to do. I staggered away three or four times but always went back - or let myself be persuaded back. I had always said I would not be responsible for some other woman's "life lessons." But when he told me how miserable she was, I almost persuaded myself that that was not a good enough reason. She deserved his having an affair. But even with my letting that reason go, I got so messed up in my mind when he mentioned her name - or even mentioned he was going to "take her to lunch." It just can't work. If you end up loving the man - you want him to be unencumbered. Even if a man cannot be with you because of other obligations - kids, work, etc., it is totally different when they cannot be with you b/c they are with "her." It kills true intimacy. Now I am just taking it one minute at a time.

Alice writes:

Subject: looking glass

Being the married man, the wife, the other women or possibly a fantasy in between for anybody ... This article fails to mention the possibility of love and impossible circumstances. We all love, respect and value different aspects in people, so why is it so hard to understand why this married man .... loves his wife and his mistress? The heartache come when "the other women", in this article she is not the wife, but the love affair ... considers herself being treated as a second class citizen". If the situation stops working for you - change it. If you as the woman who this Married Man is cheating with want a different story - change it. Some marriages and partnerships work simple because they suit everybody involved. Bottom line is if you are involved in any relationship that doesn't suit you - change it, don't rely on anyone else too.