Colette Kelso writes:

Subject: Ms.

Sometimes the abuse is passive aggressive, and the abuser can say he was just kidding, or what's wrong with you? Sometimes it's infidelity which just assures you that you are not enough.

cathy foran writes:

Subject: wits end

I have only realized after returning from a holiday with my partner that he has been mentally abusing me for years. I always put his behaviour towards me as just a character flaw but have realised its only me he treats badly. I have watched him with other people and they think he is wonderful and treats me wonderfully. I am still in shock that it has taken me a very upsetting painfull ten years for the penny to drop that he has and still is abusing me in a horrible fashion. How could I not see it this clearly till now?

T.Bell writes:

Subject: not just women!

I have a friend of mine that has been being verbally abused by his wife for several years,now he is tired of it.It's not just women who are abused!

Sara writes:

Subject: Clear picture

I have been searching online and realized that I have been emotionally abused. The guy has been doing it in subtle joking ways, but I have to end it before it escalates. He thinks that his voice is the only one that matters. He tried to intimidate me once by saying that he would break up with me because I voiced my opinion which he didn't approve of. He uses sneaky tactics. And when I am having a problem in life he somehow turns it around to make it seem like it is my fault. I now have all I need to know to end this relationship. It ends tomorrow morning when I wake up. I deserve better.

Lou writes:

Subject: Emotional Abuse

#s 4,5 & 6 really struck a cord with me. My partner had to move away (suppose to be temporary) a couple of months ago to be with a dying family member. I went for a visit a while ago and he was either verbally abusive or ignoring me. I thought he was the one, was so wonderful at the beginning. Here is a quote from #5 "If you find yourself puzzling about how your partner can treat you that way, it is because you are trying to live in a love-based relationship, when in reality you are living in a control-based relationship. The mental abuser struggles with his own feelings of worthlessness and uses his relationship to create a feeling of personal power, at his partner’s expense." My confidence is shattered, I let him treat me horribly, ignore me and then throw me away. I supported him financially, emotionally--he still says he loves me then ignores me. I feel so used, hurt and angry, I am devastated. We have never officially broken up, he left a ton of stuff behind. Like the poster before me, I deserve better. How does a person begin to move on? So much has been left unsaid, what am I to do with all these feelings when I know he will just not read my emails, or talk to me on the phone.

Carl Castle writes:

Subject: Ain't jus women

As I read I realized that all applied to me. The problem is that you would need to adjust your wording a little.

he = she her = his

And then, the descriptions you make fit like a glove.

Elizabeth writes:

Subject: It's never him

For 5 years now, the pain of mental and emotional abuse have been a constant in my relationship. Perhaps what is most upsetting is the fact that my husband is not spiritually evolved enough to comprehend that he's doing it, and he's never to blame. Without him being able to take ownership of his behaviour, we cannot move forward to heal this marriage. I have finally come to the conclusion that it is not my karma to continue down this path with him any longer. He will need to come to terms with this lesson in his own time. It is time to let go, and bless and release him from this relationship. Sadly, at 30 years of age he is not mature enough for this type of emotional responsibility.

It is terrible to live life without any real joy, and to wonder if you will ever experience it again. Being mentally abused is just as terrible as physical abuse, and the scars are just as great. It will probably be years until I will be able to trust another man. Just like "Wits End", it was incomprehensible that my husband could be so charming and amiable to complete strangers, yet treat with with such loath and contempt. My family and friends were the first to recognize the signals, yet I was so "In love" that their advice fell on deaf ears. At least I can walk away with the lesson, and will never put myself in this position ever again.

Lou writes:

Subject: To Elizabeth

A friend of mine who was previously in an abusive relationship told me about mine that "it will always be your fault". My partner is also charming,kind and helpful to complete strangers, I know how that feels, it is confusing and maddening. Every single person I know thinks I should break up with him. I will get there eventually. I am not sure why I cannot let go, now, he is being nice, that can change in an instant. You sound strong and healthy, stick with it. A good book that has been helpful to me is by Harville Hendrix, called Getting the love you want" It teaches about the dynamics of relationships and why we pick the partners we do. Let me know how you're doing.

S writes:

Subject: feel like I have to say something too

I have spent the last year trying to get over an abusive relationship. Every point on that article described things that I turned a blind eye too. I just couldn't understand how someone who loved me so much could be so cruel. I thought it was my fault for four years. My sister finally told me that she couldn't be around us, because she couldn't watch him treat me that way. We broke up one year, two months, and two weeks ago. He just proposed to his new girlfriend. I guess she hasn't seen it yet? Will he do the same thing to her? Or did I bring that out in him? I've got to get over this.

Kim writes:

Subject: abuse

My husband of 4 years is such a charmer to everyone. He knows what to say to get his way.I know he mentally abuses me,tells me I am a nothing,he doesn't need or want me,and that I am useless. I don't have the strength now to leave because I am dealing with the death(suicide) of my sister who was my best friend.She would always be my strength when I needed her.Life is hard.

ashley writes:

Subject: its right now

I'm currently living with my boyfriend of 2 years. I always thought that we're just starting out, we have to get used to each other. I was reading the 7 signs article, and it scared me. I can't believe this is him. The man that I love, and is supposed to love me is actually abusing me! Now what? Do I let him read the article, maybe he'll have an awakening and see that he needs to change. If he gets mad and tells me that I'm over reacting, is that my sign to just leave? I do love him, I just don't want to be one of these women who sticks around hoping for the best, while her life flies by.

jessica writes:

Subject: sms

with me, it was a friend that noticed how much i was suffering mentally from my partners cruel words and poison tongue.We are still together, through my love for him, but am losing myself slowly.One of my friends said that she hopes thst when i realise how much abuse ive taken, that hopefully i wont be destroyed emotionally. I notice it now, esp with part about walking on eggshells, i struggle to remember when i was ever happy last, but i know there wasa time.I identified with all the points written, about the blowoing hot and cold, one day im loved, the next day im not.im called stupid, imature and childish somuch now, im convinced that it might even be my real name.I particularly identify with how im always to blame, whether its by saying something, that in "british "way of speaking means something else. Ive said i cant be responsible for actions other than my own. If there is a solution, i dont know it yet, all i know is i love him, but i love me more, and i cant love my child with the emotional destruction taking place in my heart and mind.

Kelly writes:

Subject: But we were suppose to be happy

It starts slow with only a few comments on your self worth and the improvments you should make. Then 5 years goes by and get use to the comments and listening to only him and that what goes on in your own world of achievment is silly. As if you are a child who one a blue ribbon for t-ball not for being the number one sales person in the country. You could write a 1000 page book on all the things you planned and tried to make him happy and love you. To just hear those words or "win" some affection that he does care for you. Finally, you get married, YES now we will have that happiness he promised we would have after I earned it and stopped doing so much that was wrong and showed respect. It only got worse, the control and distance was worse. How could someone be so mean? Who says those type of things to someone they are suppose to love? I began to focus on the 10% that was good and erase the 90% that was unlivable, the fear, the eggshells, the hurtful words and games. I wanted it so bad to work, I loved him and didn't want to get divorced. The question came to kids, I wanted them but....I didn't want him to treat them the way he treated me. That was a sign.That is when I read this article and cried, how could it be true. Emotional and verbal/mental abuse doesn't happen to people like me, but it has. The hardest part is leaving. The unpredictable is scary.

Annie Kaszina writes:

Subject: But we were supposed to be happy

Kelly, emotional and verbal abuse happen to people who let it. We are only safe if we keep ourselves safe. You, like so many other women, became vulnerable because you so desperately wanted it to work.

What I can tell you from the many, many experiences women's I have listened to is that leaving is really hard. You tell yourself that you are throwing away your only chance at happiness, that there is something so wonderful about him that you will never have again... and so on, and so forth.

Yes, it's scary. But your future is waiting and I'm willing to bet that you'll discover all the resources you need to make it a great one.

Then you leave.

That's when something really amazing happens. The knowledge that you have, that it was an abusive relationship, takes root in your mind. You find out more about the behaviour of abusive men (try looking at "Favourite Sayings of Abusive Men" http://www.emotionalabuserecoverynow.com/abmensay.htm for an eye-opener) and you learn that you were in love with a clone. One abusive man is remarkably like another in terms of how they talk and the way they treat you. The scales fall from your eyes.

Then your focus changes to your own recovery.

This is the really important thing. You have to rebuild your self-worth, not just for your own benefit but also for your kids. It's very doable. He could 'be so mean' because he could get away with it, then. In future, when you hear a nasty little voice in your head putting you down, that's his voice. Don't you ever let him get away with it again. He wasn't right, he was just opinionated. You replace that nasty little voice with the loving words your children and friends say to you and your confidence and self-worth will grow.

Warm wishes for your recovery,

Annie

Donna writes:

Subject: Keep a log of your feelings

Every single day write down the events and how you felt. Be accurate. Write down the "good" days as well as the "bad" days. Make sure you write the date.

I did this, and it helped me, along with counseling, to gain the strength and clarity I needed to start the divorce process.

I am in the middle of the divorce process now, and still, I need to open up my daily logs at times to "remind" myself how I was living. I find it interesting to open up my log a year to the day, and I say "Wow, That is what my day was like last year". Always, and I mean always, it reconfirms what I am doing is the right thing for me as well as my children.

For those of you who do not have children yet, or are not married, please get out now! Please give yourself the chance and your future the chance.

otherwise, you may end up 15 years later, with two children and owing the abuser lots of money, like I am.

You are a good person. You are a loving person. I, too, felt, how could someone I've only shown LOVE, CARING, and SUPPORT to treat me so badly. It doesn't make sense.

It made sense when I read: If you find yourself puzzling about how your partner can treat you that way, it is because you are trying to live in a love-based relationship, when in reality you are living in a control-based relationship.

Thank you Annie, thank you.

Love, Donna

Jeff writes:

Subject: Abuse

I noticed the theme of the 7 points is directed at the male abuser. People need to realize that verbal and mental abuse can also occur from females towards males. Just thought I would point that out.

Allisan writes:

Subject: I am stuck!

I have known from the beginning that my husband was not the one for me. I always thought that he would get better with time and we would lead happy, ideal lives. 8 years later...some things are better, but the jabs at my ego and self are hurting terribly. He is not the charmer as many have stated above. He is the opposite. He is only friendly to his friends. When it comes to my family and friends he is distant and akward. My parents have tried and tried to welcome him into the mix, but he withdrawls. He is cold to my sister's husband, who is such a nice guy. He told a friend of mine as she was leaving (I was in the house already) that she, "Was smokin' hot!" I haven't talked to her since. Of course, he has apologized in a timely manner, but how much can one soul take before it is too much? I am stuck because he has sent us into financial ruin with bad decisions and large credit purchases. I would have to file bankruptcy to make it on my own. I am stuck becuase we have a son who is almost 5. I think he would be emotionally damaged if we split up. I am scared that he would suffer more than I am staying in the marriage. I don't know what to do. Is it worth breaking up my marriage?

Donna writes:

Subject: Listen to Annie's words

Allisan - you are not stuck. Instead you are staying for one reason: .. per Annie " You, like so many other women, became vulnerable because you so desperately wanted it to work."

You want it to work, those are the key words. I wanted my marriage and the ideal of family, husband, wife, kids, nice home. I wanted it to work. It doesn't and it won't. Not with a person that is abusive.

It won't work, no matter how much you try. Do what I did, put in another 7 years like I did for a total of 15 years, it won't make a difference. It only gets worse!

No one can speak to when the divorce is right for you. For me, I wanted to wait until the kids were old enough because I couldn't bear the idea of having to send the kids to him when it was his visitation.

My children suffered with him around more than they are suffering without him around. So your point about 'emotionally damaged if we split up' isn't right. He will be fine. You have a chance of saving his self-esteem. Do you know what my abuser used to say to our son? He called him an 'i****', 'good for nothing', 'useless person'. Do you want your son brought up this way? Believe me, I would have told you after 8 years of marriage that 'my husband wouldn't do that'. I would have told you that he is listening and is trying to change. I really felt this and really said this to people. Now I know, I was wrong!

Financial ruin - good, now is a good time to get out because you won't owe him lots of money like I do.

Keep a daily log - you'll eventually see how often you are abused. Also seek counseling, it will really open you eyes.

Best of luck to you and all the other people who are in or have been in abusive relationships. We are good people and deserve to be treated as so.

Love, Donna

Lou writes:

Subject: To Allisan

Hi Allisan, I wrote my comment on here almost a year ago, since then I've ended my abusive relationship--it too me soooo long to let go, I sought counselling to see what was holding me there. I now have so much more perspective and can see how bad it actually was...I feel like a weight has been lifted and I'm slowly recovering. It took me a long time to figure out that he was NEVER going to change and neither will your husband. 8 years---is already too much! He hasn't changed or you wouldn't be writing this... You have to know deep inside that you deserve more, you deserve to be happy and your son deserves to see his Mom happy and being loved in a healthy relationship. Your son will be more emotionally damaged if his Mom is being emotionally abused. That was rude what your husband said that to your friend but it wasn't her fault--I'm assuming she told you...how disrespectful of him! This is the incident you know about...how many other comments has he made to others? I advise you make plans to get out, it might take a while, you might have to stay with family or friends but it sounds like you have support there and you'd have places to stay. How bad does it have to get? When was the last time you felt good? Pay attention to how much stress you're under---financial problems, you could see a credit counsellor, you may not have to file for bankruptcy... I know you feel stuck and you're scared but you're suffering and do you want this forever? Your husband will never change, so you have to make the decision to change by leaving. It is worth it to save yourself and your son, you're worth more than this...

christy writes:

Subject: can a relationship be saved?

I have been with my husband for almost 8 years. we have been married for six & half of those years. I have known for a while that the way he treats me isn't right. I overlooked it because I thought it was my fault and he didn't do it in public. But for the last six months or so it doesn't matter where we are, he will start in on me and say mean things or just ignore me completely. We have two wonderful children and i know they are being affected but I want to try to save my marriage. Is that possible if he doesn't believe he is in the wrong? Or is it time to count my loses and get out while my children are still young?

Annie Kaszina writes:

Subject: Can A Relationship Be Saved?

Unfortunately, Christy, you can't save the relationship if your husband is h*** bent on destroying it - and his behaviour suggests that he has no qualms about inflicting ever increasing damage on it.

Your children will not benefit by seeing your husband's behaviour and your misery. This is not what you want them to learn about relationships; and they will learn what they see, not what you tell them, it that is at odds with what they see.

You ask: is it time to count my losses? Well, you can look at it like that. Or you cn look at it from the point of view that the misery you have been feeling is the manifestation of all the dreams and hopes you have already lost in the relationship. You can also look at it in another way: once you are free of the kind of misery you currently experience, there will be endless gains to count. You can't know, yet, how good it will feel once you have your life back and you are treated uniformly well by the people in your life. Why don't you start now to imagine how good that will feel?

Amanda writes:

Subject: abuse after neglect

My story is exactly like this article..... and not. I am in the process of divorcing my abusive husband, the difference with me is that we were married for 16 years before the abuse started. On our wedding night he "checked out" on our relationship. For the next 16 years he didn't care if I lived or died, wouldn't talk, interact, or care about me in any way. Then, all of a sudden he started caring. I was so excited. This is what I was praying for for 16 years! It was good for a month, then quickly went into abuse. Not liking what I was wearing, not liking who I was talking to, not liking how I was talking to someone, and on and on. My logic was that I have been faithful for 16 years, I have been cooking, cleaning, bearing your children for 16 years, and now you start wondering if I am faithfull? THIS is my reward for waiting for you this long? The article is right. Logic dosn't work... or matter to the abuser. I took the abuse for 2 1/2 years before I decided to get out. Beware - they blame you for ending the relationship too. People ask me if it is a mutual decision for us to get divorced. I say no, he wants to stay married and continue to berate me. I refuse to be his mental punching bag any longer. I see a light in the end of the tunnel. He has moved out. The kids took the seperation remarkably well, and seem to be handling it as good as they can. You - take charge and get out. It never gets better. Do you feel like a dog waiting to get thrown a bone every once in a while? Meaning, do you feel like you are waiting for a little slip of "niceness" from him inbetween all the mental jabs? Don't you deserve to be treated better than a dog? My question for me is - why after so long would it come out? We waited for 5 years before we had kids. If I had seen this abuse in year 1, 2, or 3, I could have been out way earlier. How horrible that he would unleash this after I have already spent the better part of 2 decades with him and after 3 kids.

Jelena writes:

Subject: LIFE AFTER DIVORCE

I have been divorced for three years now and separated for 5 years and have been taking each day slowly. I was married for approximately 12 years and suffered mental and verbal abuse from my husband. I also have two beautiful children from my former marriage and believe in my heart that I did the right thing by leaving. I loved and respected my ex but unfortunately he took me for granted in every possible way. I have moved forward by reclaiming my career, and will be building a new home on my own for myself and my 2 children. I have also decided to go to University and do the things I have always longed to do. To all those that are still bound in loveless marriages, please do not lose hope - believe in your dreams and be strong and do what you have to do to stay safe and happy. Good Luck

Krysten writes:

Subject: Unbelievable.....

I was researching online because friends of mine said that the man I was "dealing with" for 2 years sounded mentally abusive... My jaw was recovered from the floor after I completed reading this article...NO WAY this could be MY situation she's talking about!! NOT ME...I'm smarter, better, wiser than that! I am not "that girl" Truth is, it was like someone grabbed my diary and read it out loud word for word... I will not go into details about my relationship because it is not important now. I am just SO grateful that I did not marry this man or have his children.

I would like to add that I was in a former 7 year relationship before this one that was both mentally and physically abusive now I am worried about being prone to these "types" of men... I have some real soul searching to do now. The only other struggle I face now that we have ended this painful mess is the fact that we are in business together and still see each other often... It is the hardest thing to deal with but knowing what I know now and reading this article has defiantly opened my eyes to a greater reality and that is half the battle! Thank you very VERY much!!

joyce writes:

Subject: too late

I've been married for 28 years. The first year I thought I had a perfect marriage. Then the new wore off and the mental abuse and control took over. I did not recognize what it was but some of my family did. Today when I stumbled upon your "7 points" article I felt like I was reading my autobiography. I have just in the last year or so started to try to regain control of my own thoughts. I met a wonderful friend who has really helped me start my journey toward recovery. She immediately recognized the abuse and called it like it was. It has been very painful admitting truths that I have keep securely hidden away for so many years. Like others have commented, he treats others so nice and most everybody who knows him thinks he is such a wonderful person. He is the church pianist, the Sunday School Superintendent, the Boy Scout Leader, etc. But at home he is verbally and mentally abusive to me. He once made the comment that "what goes on in MY house is MY business."

I just don't know where to go from here. It is too late for me to leave. He has multiple health issues and is a senior citizen and would be totally devastated if I left. I feel so trapped. I am trying desperately to find myself and be myself without upsetting his world. I know you can hear the guilt. That has been the story of my life. I've LIVED on guilt trips. Is it even possible to regain your own identity and your own life and still live with the abuser. Just yesterday he said (when I wanted to do something he objected to), "I know you are h*** bent on doing just what you want to do!" So maybe he is realizing he is losing control. Any advice?

Donna writes:

Subject: Don't make it a Lifetime

I was reading what Joyce wrote about being 'too late'. It is only too late after you die. Joyce you can be happy without him. Don't worry at all about him, there will be another person in his life and he will go on. I've seen this many times. You know the worst? My Mom died, and the abuser had this to say about her to us, her children, after she died. He said: "I never loved her at all in 20 years". He was very hateful towards her after her death and while she was alive. Please speak up for yourself while you still can. Don't wait to have him tell your children, as my mom's abuser did, that he never loved you. His real words were much worse, but I hope you are getting the point. It is not too late while you are still alive. You will be happier, and you will feel a sense of strength that you finally have taken your own life back from the abuser. Don't give a second thought worrying about him, his health or how 'devastated' you think he'll be. It isn't so. He will be fearful at first, but that won't last long. The only other information I can share is to plan on not speaking to him ever again. Once you are around the abuser again, you'll fall back into the 'victim' role. It sounds very strict, but believe me, it is so much healthier for you. If you don't do this, I guarantee, you will be the first of the two in the grave.