What is the most crucial time in your marriage?

Bedtime? Weekends? Holidays?

No.

Your biggest test is homecoming -- how you, he, or both of you handle walking through the front door after a hard day at work.

According to marital experts, the homecoming hour is make or break time for a relationship and indicates whether or not a marital problem is likely to rear its head.

Sadly most people are unaware of this, resulting in the minute your husband comes home, you burdening him with the dramas of your day; while all he wants to do is flop onto the couch with something chilled, the television remote, or both.

The secret recipe for a successful evening together, says a 1950s home economics book, is to prepare a home-cooked meal of succulent meat and gravy. Before your husband comes home, take a nap, touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. Clear the clutter and make the children presentable so he returns to a haven of rest and order. Do not greet him with problems or complaints. Listen to him and let him talk first. Make the evening his by bringing him a cold or warm drink, the newspaper, plump his pillow in his favorite chair and offer to take off his shoes while speaking in a soft, low and soothing voice.

Can you picture that happening today?

Growing up in in the 1960s as one of four children with a stay-at-home mom, I remember my dad coming home from work, giving my mom a kiss and a long hug, him changing into more comfy clothes, and us all sitting down for tea and cookies in the lounge, jabbering about our day.

Not quite as extreme as the first picture, but compared with today, still uncommon.

What is more likely, is that you leave a voice mail message telling him what restaurant and at what time you will meet him for dinner. You prepare yourself by popping in at the perfume counter on your way home, and you deal with clutter by phoning home and telling the kids any toys left lying out are going to recycling. Whenever he comes home from work you let him speak first, giving you time to list in your mind all the things you need to tell him, and when he is late, you leave leftovers for him in the microwave.

Realistically, with both partners pursuing hectic careers, the pipe-and-slippers dream went up in smoke a long time ago. The minute your husband enters the front door, tripping over a skateboard and toys, frantic activity bombards him in the form of you juggling cooking dinner, overseeing homework and bathing squabbling children.

"Whose needs take priority?"

Believe it or not, failing to answer that question can eventually lead to marital breakdown.

How does your husband feel about walking into disorganized chaos?

At one level he may understand. But if you scratch the surface deep enough, you may well find a 1950s man beneath.

If you husband goes away for business he most likely fantasizes about coming home to a home-cooked meal by candlelight with you wearing a negligee. You, on the other hand, tired of drudgery, hope to be pampered by being taken out somewhere special.

You find it difficult showing interest in his far-flung work issues and he feels the same about the Parent Teachers Association. But you both want sympathy.

Children add to the confusion because the list of things to do grows. Although they can be noisy and messy, children also bond a family, bring a smile to your faces, and are an endless source of conversation.

A compromise when he gets home from work is to give each other 30 minutes alone time, in which he can go for a run, have a shower, get changed or check his emails while you get a chance to catch your breath and change gear. Then sit down as a family, drink a cup of tea together with no TV on in the background, and chat about your day. Choose your moment to tell him the washing machine has broken down; blurting it out the minute he walks through the door is not the right time.

If you cannot spare the time for tea, how about giving each other a 5 minute smooch when he comes home.

Even a little shift like this allows you to connect and touch base with each other daily while living a frenetic lifestyle.