If your loved one has similar behavior patterns as your mother or father, you are not alone. As a Marriage, Family Therapist, I discovered that this is a very common phenomenon. The puzzle is why men and women, who were verbally or physically abused, often pick partners who are stuck in the same dysfunctional patterns? You would think that they would choose the opposite personalities. Unfortunately, that is not usually the case.

To begin to understand this dilemma, it is helpful to realize that we make decisions on our experiences. As children, we believe the world revolves around us, and we are responsible for whatever happens. Therefore, if fathers or mothers are negative to us, we decide that we must be not okay, not good enough, unlovable, unworthy and unimportant. We also think we are a bad person, and we deserve to be punished. These decisions make up our basic personalities.

We also often take on a victim role or that of a persecutor, because we learn by our parents modeling how to be a male or female, man or woman, or husband or wife. One way we can explain it is by saying, "Monkey sees. Monkey does." Therefore, even though we may have hated the victim role our mothers played, we are likely to automatically repeat the pattern in adult life. Although we were terrified and hurt by our father's abuse, we are likely to mistreat our children. Sounds crazy? It sure does, but that is what we often do.

Another factor is that as children we want to help our parents. For example, Cynthia's father was an alcoholic. Her adult pattern was to be with alcoholic men. Unconsciously, she was trying to "fix" her Dad. Of course, that does not work, because the alcoholic has to be willing to heal the emotional causes of his addiction. Cynthia finally went to therapy and healed her relationship with her father. She was then able to stop picking alcoholic partners.

Are we doomed to repeat our parents' dysfunctional patterns? We probably are, unless we raise our self-esteem and become conscious of how we are choosing our loved ones. For example, Mary had a loving but often critical father. Her first husband treated her the same way. However, after effective therapy, she raised her self-esteem and only chooses partners who treat her with love, acceptance and respect.

This negative pattern also happens to men. Peter's mother was very controlling. He chose a wife who also demanded to be in charge of everything. Just like his Dad, one day he had enough and left his marriage. Of course, he blamed his wife for the break-up. Ironically, Peter went on to choose another demanding woman. As you can see, patterns rarely change, unless you heal the cause of the behavior. Often the names of the partners change but the dysfunctional patterns remain the same.

Of course, if you were fortunate enough to have loving parents who dealt with their anger constructively and modeled a healthy relationship, you are likely to choose kind, loving partners. On the contrary, if you were not that lucky, I suggest that you notice the similarities between the patterns of your relationships and that of your parents. Then, have the courage to do what you need to, in order to heal dysfunctional patterns, so that you can enjoy healthy relationships. Not only is it going to serve you, it will also be a great gift to your children. They very likely will repeat your healthy behaviors.