Last night, I got an email from a wife who was not sure what to think. Last week over lunch, one of her best girlfriends leaned forward and whispered "listen, there's something I need to tell you and I'm not sure how to do it. But, if the roles were reverse, I would want for you to tell me." The friend went on to tell the wife that the wife's husband had told the friend's husband (who were coworkers) that he had been thinking about a divorce and had come to the conclusion that he wanted one.

The wife was devastated, but glad the friend had told her. She was angry that the husband had kept her in the dark about this and she was now afraid that she would hear a knock on the door one day and find a civil process server with divorce papers.

Needless to say, that very evening she confronted her husband. But guess what? He pretty much denied that the friend had the story right. He said that it was the friend's husband who was thinking about divorce, and, in trying to help his friend put things in perspective, the husband had then piped up that he had thought about divorcing also but had ultimately decided to work things out.

The wife was not sure that she bought this. But, she could not deny that he had come out and admitted that the thought of divorce had crossed his mind. And, she also had to look around and see that things had not been so great between them for quite some time. Still, she could not leave it at this. She could not let go of the suspicion and the worry that her husband was seeing attorneys behind her back and plotting to divorce her in the near future. She asked me what she should do about this. I'll tell you what advice I gave her in the following article.

It Does Not Matter Who He Told That He Wants A Divorce Or If He Denies It Now. What Matters Is That You Pay Attention: Even if the story was a little fuzzy and the wife was not sure what she believed, she had to be very clear on the fact that this was a serious issue that needed her full attention.

In my opinion, the wife was worrying way too much about getting the specifics that didn't matter nearly as much as she thought. She was basically harping her husband none stop about if he was filing for divorce. This was her main focus. And, this was a mistake. Instead, she needed to turn her attention to improving the marriage so much that this became a non issue.

Her husband was not at all receptive to her continuous demands of answers and specifics. Instead of following the lead and focusing on what she could do to change this, she was risking her worst fear coming true by continuing to harp on something so much that her husband might just decide to go forward as a means of escape.

Why The Wife Should Focus On How To Fix What She Likely Knew Was Wrong Rather Than Trying To Get An Admission: No matter what I said to the wife or how much I tried to reason with her, she continued to insist that she needed to know exactly what her husband was thinking and exactly what he felt were the problems in the marriage. She insisted that if she did not everything that she could to find out about these things, then she would not know the proper way to address them.

I can certainly see that point, but I also know from following many similar situations that if the husband continues to be resistant, you're better off just being proactive rather than nagging. And, in truth, the wife probably did deep down know what was wrong. She had admitted several times that things had not been great. And, if she were honest, she could pinpoint the cause of those troubles. Not all of them were her fault. But, if you're not sure where your husband's thoughts are, it always makes sense to look at intimacy, closeness and how many demands you are making in regards to this balance.

At the end of the day, most people have very similar needs. We all want to feel like our spouse makes our life complete and makes us a better person. We all want to feel heard and appreciated. And, we all want to feel like we are getting as much as we give. In short, we want for our pay off to be equal or greater than what we pay out. I strongly believe that if you look at all of these things, this will often be a very good starting point toward telling you why he might be telling other people that he wants a divorce.

So, once you're able to do this, how do you proceed? Well, you take the focus off of worrying about the tiny details and you instead take a look at how things are going in general and how you can change your husband's perception that he's not getting as much as he's giving. And yes, you may also feel this way. But working on these issues will benefit you as well. People who feel appreciated and valued are much more willing and able to reciprocate.