I woke up one morning and noticed something hanging under my chin. It was skin. It didn't look right to me so I asked my mother about it. I was 9. Mom told me that it was just a goozle. I was not a bit relieved. I looked up goozle in the dictionary and I found this:

Goozle: The accumulated loose skin that hangs under one's chin usually becoming prominent in men as they reach mid to late forties, sometimes called turkey-wattle neck.

I asked Mom how to get rid of it. She just waved me off and said it was normal. Normal! Ha! That's what they told Quasimodo when he asked about his hump, that's what they told Frankenstein when he asked about the steel bolts in his neck. Why don't parents tell you the truth; you are a monster.

Now that I am considerably older my turkey-wattle goozle hangs down to my waist. I'm considering renting it out as a storage unit or pup tent. There are some procedures that can help.

Botox: You think of Botox for little crow's feet and mouth wrinkles, but I think I can get a doctor to apply it by the gallon and my goozle will be tamed back to its 9 year old level. It should not take more than twelve injections over a period of 3 years.

Ice: For a temporary shrink, just before the prom, say, stick your goozle in a bucket of ice for about an hour. Be sure to be home before midnight because when it goes, it goes fast.

Surgery: A temple-lift will help some but there is a risk of ending up looking like The Joker if it is overdone. Better to just cut it off completely, tie up any loose muscles or whatever lurks in a goozle and cover the scars with industrial strength make-up.

Psychotherapy: Learn to like yourself, goozle and all.

Disguise: If you can, grow a really big beard. If you can't, wear a ruff collar. You can also dye your hair orange which will draw attention away from your wattles. They can be painted like army camouflage uniforms so no one will notice them.

Or you can simply accept that you are a monster and get work in the movies. As a producer.