Try This Communication Skills Exercise - Use And Instead of But

I've been doing a lot of communications skills training which, of course, is one my areas of expertise. Sometimes it's difficult to know where to begin with companies or individuals because the topic is so big, and because most of us believe we communicate fairly well. I'm searching for one little nugget that is easy to remember and has a huge impact on communication. The communication skills exercise I often use is to have people replace the word 'but' with the word 'and.'

Using the word 'but' not only negates whatever was said before, it makes people defensive, whether they realize it or not. Some examples: "I love the brochure but I have a few changes I want to make," "I understand your perspective but let me share with you some other ideas," "I don't have the time to help you right now but I might later today" or "yes, you can leave early tomorrow but make sure I have the report before you go."

In my communication skills exercise I replace the word 'but' with the word 'and' in each case. Try it yourself and see how it feels to you. Can you see in each example how using the word 'and' ever so slightly changes how the message will be received? It takes away defensiveness, feeling dismissed, quasi-inferring someone is not as smart as you...I think you get the point. Want to become a believer? For the next 24 hours try this communication skills exercise: In any conversation you have, see how often others use the word 'but.' Sure, there are times it's the right word to use. And I suspect you will notice how often using the word 'and' would have been more effective