The Ten Commandments - What Women Want From a Man

My husband calls me a "master empathizer". He says (and I agree), that I could never be a police officer. "You'd let everybody go."

And it's true. I'd be like, "Did you rob that bank because you just lost your job? Don't worry about it," or "Were you going 160 km/h in an 80 zone because you were late for your dental appointment? Oh, I completely understand."

See, I tend to look at things a little different than most people. For instance, if someone is being difficult (miserable, tiresome, or downright bitchy), instead of getting upset, I try to find out what is going on in their lives. I mean people aren't difficult for no reason. When I do uncover the cause of their woes - relationship trouble, money trouble, hormone fluctuations, you name it, it's always something - I then attempt to make (or at least understand) the situation better, in turn, hoping to brighten their disposition.

The bottom line is, most of the time I work backwards through problems. So when I was asked by my own son what women want from men, I took the same approach in giving him an answer.

"Son," I said, patting him sympathetically on the shoulder, "You have to recognize what women are like - what really drives their souls - before you can know what they want."

Now when I speak about what women are like and what they want, please note that I am speaking in generalized terms, and that I don't expect all women to agree with me. I am also basing my statements on heterosexual, monogamy-based norms. So if the following ideas do not apply to you, please don't be offended.

In trying to uncover what women want from relationships with men, one must acknowledge two fundamental truths about the female of the species, the first being that women are thinkers, the second that we crave intimacy, both of which (I believe) are parts of our biology that we covet in order to successfully raise our children.

Following from the tenet that women are thinkers, it only makes sense that women like to talk. And we do. More specifically, we like to discuss, needing a method of releasing to the world all those ideas that have been whirling around in our brains. Hence the reason why shows like Oprah, Tyra, (and in the good old days, Phil Donahue) are so popular.

It also follows that women like puzzles. It is what brains that whirl around in circles all day thrive upon. Take an animal with long and powerful legs for example. Wouldn't you expect such an creature to need to run? Same thing for women. We NEED to decipher and translate, solve and unravel, puzzles being the perfect outlet for our over-active imaginations.

Another key to the mysteries' muliebrous is that women like to plan - that invaluable mechanism for organizing all of our whirling, mental clutter. Have you seen the size of "Bride" magazine? I rest my case.

Now, before we go any further with this discussion, there is one more item that must be considered. See, as the keepers of the home and raisers of the children (typically), women like to have their men around, both for protection and help. We can't manage alone, so what do we do? We take every opportunity during sex (which is what we recognize as the nucleus of YOUR reality) to examine your every fiber and satisfy your every urge. We do so gently, deftly, and methodically in an effort to imprint ourselves on your vulnerable psyches. Essentially, it is our goal to solidify a love between us that is so all-encompassing, so all-powerful, that you will never want to leave, by design creating what one could refer to as "intimacy".

OK, so now that we've done our preliminary investigations, it should be much easier to understand what women want from a man when it comes to partnering. And as usual, I have made a list - a list with a very straightforward title for all those not so astute men out there. I will call it "The Ten Commandments of What Women Want from a Man When it Comes to Relationships" and as you will see, each principle is in some way related to the notions listed above.

So men, please read carefully. Ahem...

1. I am your queen and you shall put no other woman before me. Remember this always, especially during the tough times like when the kids are little and you aren't getting very much sex.

2. You shall only say nice things to me and/or about me. I don't want to hear that you called me a bitch because I wouldn't let you go to that strip club with your buddies. After all, I am your best friend and I deserve to be respected.

3. And as your best friend, spending time with me should be paramount. Remember, there is no such thing as quality versus quantity in this regard. Ideally, I will want to be with you every waking minute of the day.

4. Honor and deeply appreciate the sacrifices that I make for you, because believe me, I WILL make sacrifices. That is what we women do best.

5. Don't ever, ever lay your hands on me, except for the odd swat in the bedroom. You are my protector and as such, you must act like it. Having said that, a little bad boy can take you far.

6. You shall not commit adultery. And even though this rule has been partially stated, it is worth repeating (again and again and again). Now, in circumstances where you've already loosed the tiger, you'd better damn well make it seem like I am (past, present and future) the best thing that has ever happened to you. If you can't, you may as well start packing. I will warn you however, once you've fucked up, it is VERY difficult (read: nearly impossible) to regain a woman's love and trust. Therefore, think carefully before whipping your dick out at the smallest, most pathetic advances of another woman.

7. Pay attention. To what I say. To what I do. And keep the details charted in your head for future reference. This will prevent you from looking stupid (or heaven-forbid, uncaring) when it comes to gift-giving and carrying on conversations with me.

8. Pay attention some more as our relationship is like my very own Harlequin Romance. Don't worry, I already have everything planned out - you as the hero and me as the heroine - but you must play your part, and you MUST play it well.

9. Take charge when necessary. Women want a man who will let them make decisions but who will ultimately be there if something - anything - goes wrong. LIke I used all of our hard-earned savings to buy this car from a guy I met on the street corner and for some weird reason, it doesn't work. Can you please fix it? Yes, you must be able to rise to the occasion. It's what makes us feel safe.

10. Finally - and this is really a key bit of information - don't give me everything I want right away. Make me work for stuff. You should also try to preserve some mystery about yourself. It will keep me interested because, don't forget, women like solving puzzles, which is - when I haven't figured you all out yet - what you are to me.

There you have it my son, the ultimate road map to all that is divinely female. Please accept this information into your heart with the utmost solicitude and reverence. Don't assume however, that by knowing this now, you will ever figure us out completely. That will never happen!