The other day I was counseling a seventy year old widow who had lost her husband about a year ago. She mentioned a painful conversation with a friend where the friend had remarked, "Well, it's been a year now since your husband died, you should be over the grieving process." My client indicated to me how hurt she was in response to her friend's insensitive remark.

I wanted to write this article not only based on the grieving process but the time lines of the grieving process. As we are all unique individuals, the grieving process is also a very individualized process. There are no set in stone time lines for going through the five steps of the grieving process. Based on each individual's experiences in life, their relationship with the deceased, their emotional make up and characteristics all add up to affect the way that person grieves as well as the timing of their grieving.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and that includes the timing of the entire grieving process. Sometimes we can become stuck at one of the steps of the grieving process and not be able to go onto the next step. When you feel like you are stuck somewhere in the grief cycle, counseling can help facilitate the process forward. As a therapist, I can help you move forward toward the acceptance stage which is crucial to moving on in life, so that you are once again able to be happy and not feel guilty about being happy. It's very important to regain your normal productive self to live your life to the fullest.

I would like to outline the 5 steps of grieving for the purpose of education.

The five steps of grieving are:

1-Denial- At this point, a person doesn't accept that their loved one has died and there is really no acknowledgment on the individual's part that they just lost their loved one. They are unable to cry, because in their mind, their loved one is not dead.

2-Anger- A lot of times, people will ask themselves "Why me? Why is this happening to me and not the anonymous person walking down the street passing me in a crowd?" Anger can be directed toward the deceased for leaving the other one behind. Anger can also be directed toward other people, even someone you don't know well. For example, the widow who blames the doctor for not being able to save her husband in the ER.

I know firsthand what that anger feels like. I was walking around one beautiful sunny day about 6 months after my Dad had died, and I was looking around and I happened to see a Father/Daughter walking along enjoying each other's company. My thought at that moment was anger and jealousy at not being able to do just that with my own Dad. How cheated I felt.

3-Bargaining- This is a stage that often takes place before the loss. One might attempt to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. This is a stage where you promise to be a better person, if God would only spare your loved one. Possibly you may even think, I could handle losing my high paying job, if I could just stop the cancer my husband has.

4-Depression-This would include overwhelming feelings of numbness, hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self loathing, attitude, lack of any drive or motivation. At this stage you are mourning the loss of your loved one as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future.

5-Acceptance- You have accepted the loss, as a realization that there is a cycle of life that happens to each and everyone of us and our loved ones. If this is the first time in your life where you have lost someone, you realize and accept the eventuality of death. You come to the conclusion that the person is gone forever and there's not a thing you can do.

You know in your mind now that you are powerless to bring that person back to life, however you control your destiny in how you move forward. At this point in the acceptance stage, you are able to remember fond memories of that person and you are able to converse with others about him or her. At this stage, you are ready to resume your life as a productive and healthy individual in society, but with the ability to remember the good times shared with your loved one.

Remember, moving forward in life does not mean forgetting about your loved one who has passed on in life. It simply means that you are able to think of your deceased loved one and remember the good times without falling apart. You have finally accepted the fact that your loved one is gone forever.

In conclusion, as I said before, the grieving process is very individualized and that includes the timing of the grief process. Timing cannot be compared to another's experience. No two people are entirely the same and no one has the right to tell you that you've been grieving too long or too little.

If you feel that you need help in moving through the stages of grief, I am available in downtown Portland for face-to-face appointments, and also online counseling. I would love to share my insight and support you in moving forward in life.