Diamond Author
My husband and I became GRGs, grandparents raising grandchildren, when our grandchildren's parents were both killed in separate car crashes. Our teenage grandchildren were in shock and and we were, too. The court appointed us as their legal guardians and financial conservators, two roles we never thought we would have.
Becoming GRGs changed our lives forever. Fortunately, our home is well-suited to teens. Each of our grandchildren (one boy, one girl) has their own room and they share a bathroom. When the kids go to bed at night, they close their doors as if they were living in separate apartments. For years we have slept with our bedroom door open and now we close it.
I never walk into my grandchild's bedroom without knocking and identifying myself. If nobody answers I come back later. Dr. Brian MacDonald tackles the issue of teen privacy in a Family Anatomy website article, "Invading Your Teen's Privacy Leads to Conflict: Is That a Good Thing?" Instead of creating conflict, he thinks parents [and grandparents] need to develop a trusting relationship with their teens.
'You're allowed to talk to your kids about what you expect and why you believe it's reasonable," he writes.
Kate Kelly, author of "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Parenting a Teenager," writes about privacy in her Family Education website article, "Teen Space, Teen Privacy?" Teens cannot shut adults out of their rooms and claim privacy, according to Kelly. "It's your house, and it's perfectly appropriate for you to go in and out of her room occasionally (daily or weekly)."
Adults need to understand why teens want privacy, Kelly continues. Some teens, like my granddaughter, love to read, so she closes her room and curls up in bed with a book. But if a teen leaves private papers in the open - a diary, notebook, letter, card or note - Kelly says you should assume he or she wants you to read it.
I think my twin grandchildren need privacy to process their grief alone and with dignity. Helen Fitzgerald, author of "The Grieving Teen" thinks kids have a hard time staying focused after a death in the family. Sudden death, in our case, two deaths, makes grief even harder. Your teen's mind may wander and homework takes more time. "When death is not only sudden, but violent as well, you will have to cope with even more issues," Fitzgerald explains.
My husband and I have taken many steps to respect our grandchidren's privacy. In addition to knocking before entering, we are careful about physical contact. When teens are grieving, it is hard to know how much physical contact they will accept, and forcing hugs on them may be viewed as an invasion of privacy and personal space.
We have kept files about our legal guardianship and conservatorship and our grandchildren may look at them at any time. Since the twins have turned 18, we have turned over many legal documents and financial records to them. I bought each of them spcial file boxes for their documents. If someone calls and the twins are not home, we take careful messages and stick them on their bedroom doors or dinner places. Finally, we never, ever open the twin's mail.
We respect our grandchildren's privacy and they respect ours.
Copyright 2010 by Harriet Hodgson
Harriet Hodgson has been an independent journalist for 30+ years. She is a member of the American Society of Journalists and Authors, Association of Health Care Journalists, and Association for Death Education and Counseling. Her 24th book, "Smiling Through Your Tears: Anticipating Grief," written with Lois Krahn, MD is available from Amazon.
Centering Corporation has published her 26th book, "Writing to Recover: The Journey from Loss and Grief to a New Life" and a companion journal with 100 writing jump-starts. Hodgson is a monthly columist for the new "Caregiving in America" magazine, which resumes publication in August. She is also a contributing writer for the Open to Hope Foundation website. Please visit Harriet's website and learn more about this busy author and grandmother.
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