Sex, Ego, and Love

This article is about love and sex between people in relationships. The ego is alive and well in personal relationships and is affected or activated most of the time. The intention of this article is to observe how our egos get attached in close emotional and physical relationships. At the end you'll find exercises to help you be loving and tender.

Our egos try to help us win love and enjoy sex. Our egos try to protect us from rejection, domination, emotional pain, and insecurities that can occur in love-sex relationships. There are many variations of ego attachments that include, but are not limited to, pleasure-seeking, longing, chasing, possessiveness, jealousy, thwarted love, and obsessions. I'm not going to try to psychoanalyze all of the ways that the human ego can get hung up on love and sex. I want you to honestly look at your patterns and limiting beliefs around having a close relationship with someone. By doing so, my hope is that you will increase your joy and satisfaction in life and love.

SEX

Humans were created to be loving, sexual beings. After all we're not like the flower that needs the bee to pollinate. Each person must sort out the truth that best guides his/her way of living, loving, and being loved. Sometimes our egos get confused by pressure from society to aim high. We're a little more like the peacock who tries to attract a mate with its colorful feathers. You can see from the peacock example that nature has a little ego involved in the courting process too.

Some concepts in this article are general and may not hold true from other cultural perspectives or customs. The basic generalization is that we all want or need love, companionship, and closeness. Even babies do better when they are held and touched. Being accepted, feeling like you belong, and having close contact with others are typical human needs. People have the desire to be accepted (cherished) and our egos are affected by this. It is beautiful when we connect with someone in a tender, sexual, and meaningful way but it can be very painful when things don't go well.

EGO

Here are a few generalizations about differences between male and female egos: Men are attracted by physical characteristics. Women are attracted by success indicators. Men are less emotionally involved when it comes to sex than women are. Women cannot detach their hearts when they make love with someone. Men need a chase (pursuit and conquest) in order to make long-term commitments. Women are selective about their partners and start new relationships with long-term commitment in mind.

These concepts have been related to the beginning of the homo-sapien species when men most likely selected mates based on their physical ability to bear children and women selected mates based on their strength and ability to provide food and shelter. What are some other differences between men and women that you're aware of? What evidence do you see that these concepts may be changing with new times and new generations?

LOVE

How we were indoctrinated in love as toddlers is very important to how we function as adults. Early love is conditioned by the way we were cared for. Did we have adequate food, shelter, and clothing? Did we have environments conducive to growth, play, and natural development? Did we receive appropriate touch and physical comfort when we needed it? Were we loved, cared for, protected, and treated with respect early in life? Or was our innocence damaged by unhealthy or unaware caregivers? Did we have an opportunity to discover our innate tendencies to share love or were we caught in a web of misunderstandings and inappropriate teachings by the detrimental acts (conscious or unconscious) of the adults around us?

In his book, The 5 Languages of Love, author Gary Chapman helps us see how we learn to receive and give love. He teaches the various ways that people communicate their love for others and the ways they feel loved by others. It's based on the early childhood conditioning mentioned above. Gary doesn't venture into the languages of dysfunctional love, but I suspect there are several of those too.

Here's a quick checklist to see if your ego is attached (and perhaps distorted) in the areas of love and sex.

Do you feel more worthy of love and sex when your body is fit and attractive and less worthy if you are out of shape?

Do you suppress your attraction to others when you think they are out of your league or they are beneath you?

Do you base your love on income, social status, or the assets of a mate or potential mate?

Do you look for (consciously or unconsciously) someone who is similar to one or both of your parents?

Do you seek approval and validation from a loved one and feel angry if they don't give it to you?

Are you looking for someone perfect?

Do you long for a lover who's unavailable to you and reject the one who's available?

Do you get locked into relationships where there's a game of "I want you - I don't want you" taking place?

Do you select people who hurt you?

Do you select people based on how they make you feel about yourself (boost your ego)?

Are you able to be in a relationship with someone who is different from you?

Can you set healthy boundaries with the one you love (i.e. mutual respect and consideration; time, money, and space boundaries; personal rights and preferences)?

Are you overly jealous?

Are you afraid of being abandoned?

Do you keep your feelings and opinions to yourself for fear of causing friction and/or being rejected?

Do you maintain distance and keep your heart protected to avoid pain (not allowing yourself to fall head-over-heels in love)?

If you identify with three or more of these patterns, you may have some ego transformation work to do. The main thing to remember is this: There are no right or wrong ways to look for love. However, the ego's defense mechanisms can continually block your chances of finding happiness by trying to avoid pain. The way you seek joy and fulfillment can be healthy or painful and even destructive. In the long run, you either get what you want or you don't. Hopefully your love attempts will lead to deep, sustainable love, if that's what you want.

Here are some exercises to help you move to a more enjoyable place in the areas of love and sex if you're not experiencing the quality of life you desire:

1) Make a list of your early memories when you felt loved. For each memory, what was going on at the time? What was it that made you feel loved?
2) Identify the decisions you made and the strategies you developed to reproduce the feelings of being loved.
3) Make a list of your early experiences where you felt rejected, confused, and/or hurt by someone you loved.
4) Identify the decisions you made and the strategies you developed to avoid the pain associated with love.
5) Think of what you can do to detach from your early decisions and strategies, if they're not working so well.
6) Make new decisions and strategies for being honest, present, and available to healthy love and sex.
7) Try them out and observe how successful you are at attracting a someone, how you feel with that person, how much enjoyment you experience, and how sustainable your relationship becomes.
8) Above all, allow your heart to be tender, vulnerable, and open. You may need to transform your ego in order to experience this state.