You left, but you feel angry and overwhelmed by everything that has happened. The end of any relationship is difficult, and it can take months or years to understand and deal with what follows the demise of an abusive relationship.   

When Natalie met her husband Curtis, she was 21 years old and a grocery store clerk. Curtis was 22 and a line cook in the family restaurant a block from the convenience store where she worked.  She had meals at the restaurant, and he often stopped at the store on his way home from work. They became friends; Natalie was single, Curtis was married with two small children. She met his wife, and a few weeks later he was let go from his job. Two years went by before she saw him again. Natalie had gone back to nursing, and Curtis was divorced and working in a lumber mill.

They quickly became a couple, and within a month they were married.  Curtis rushed Natalie, saying that he was afraid that he would lose her if he didn't marry her right away. "At that time I didn't know what the signs of abuse were," says Natalie. "In retrospect, I should have paid more attention to what transpired during our short courtship." Minutes after their wedding ceremony, Curtis boldly whistled at another woman. He told Natalie to drive, and proceeded to put down her driving techniques until she started crying. When they returned home, he apologized and made promises of better behavior.

Throughout their five year marriage, Curtis was extremely physically and verbally violent.  He controlled Natalie by talking her into moving out of state with him then threatening to kill her family if she tried to leave him. After he cheated on her in their home with a 19-year old girl, Natalie managed to get what she could into her car and went back to her hometown to live with her father. There were threatening phone calls from Curtis, crank calls at all hours in spite of numerous number changes, and the fear that he would carry out his explicit  threats to kill her. When her divorce became final, she kept a low profile.

 "Recovery was difficult for me," says Natalie. "I blamed myself, and I felt guilty for leaving. There were some good times, and I guess that is what I was focusing on instead of facing my trauma and dealing with it."  Her self-esteem was destroyed. Curtis had repeatedly put down and degraded her for her career plans, and for everything that she wanted to do or thought about. He discouraged her from having friends, and did many other things that made her feel low and worthless. She became dangerously anorexic. She was very angry and frightened. Unable to express any emotion during her marriage, she held everything in. After she left Curtis, Natalie had to learn to express her feelings and deal with them in a healthy way.  

Natalie is now in her forties and is doing well. She remarried, but it took a long time for her to be able to come to terms with her previous life, and understand that she really is a wonderful person. Instead of working through things and letting go, she turned away from talking about it and building a new life for herself. She became angrier, distant, withdrawn and depressed.

There are things that you can do to minimize your pain and the tumultuous emotions that come with leaving a cruel partner. The steps that you take next are the most important to your mental and physical health and overall well being.  They will affect how you think of yourself, how you treat other people, and the way you react to different situations and stimuli.  Your thought processes are often interrupted and jump from one thing to another without figuring out any particular problem. It is important to take things slow.

Let Your Emotions Flow

During your relationship, you weren't able to freely express your emotions for fear of angering your abuser.  It is natural to feel a wide range of sensations when you are under the domination of another person.  Since you are no longer in that controlled atmosphere, let your feelings out.  Be angry; in order to heal, you need to cope with your anger.  Let your fear show, even if it is only fear of being on your own. 

Work Things Through

After you have your means of financial support and safety ensured, you will need to work though what happened.  In order to accomplish this, you will need to recall the painful words and events that took place during your relationship. Since you are no longer living in an environment of intimidation, you will be able to think things more clearly. Seek counseling if you need someone to help you with your pain, and feel that a counselor might be able to help. Counseling isn't for everyone, so don't feel bad if you decide not to talk to a professional.  

Put Things in Perspective

Don't blame yourself because your partner was mean. The guilt that goes with leaving a physically or verbally violent relationship will consume you if you let it. Keep in mind that you didn't do anything wrong, and that you didn't choose to be mistreated.  The good part is that you were able to leave, and that is a big step toward your recovery. Your self-esteem will be suffering deeply, and you must take steps to get it back where it was before the abuse.

Release the Negativity

The negativity from your relationship is no longer present, so why should the negative feelings and thoughts remain?  Focus on positive things such as friends, your job, your family, and all of the good things that have happened since you left the abuse behind.  Don't dwell on your ex, and don't try to keep informed of what is happening in his or her life. Don't agonize over what you could have done differently to make your former partner less abusive because the cruelty would have continued.  Liberate yourself from your old relationship for good, and work toward building your new life.  

© Copyright 2008 Patti McMann. All rights reserved.