It was my friend Holly on the phone in floods of tears. Boyfriend Jason had walked out that morning and she was in despair. Of course I went round at once and over a cup of coffee heard the whole story. "Jason wanted 'space', he had been edgy and irritable for a few weeks, then this morning it all kind of exploded because he had said he would be working late."

Having seen the couple together a lot I wasn't altogether surprised. A string of bad previous relationships had left Holly quite insecure and apt to be clingy. Jason is a really nice guy and loves Holly a lot but reacts badly when too many demands are made on him. I'm sure you know the type.

I'm involved in relationship counseling, so I was able to give her advice and also recommend programs available over the Internet to deal with just these situations. The trouble is that people like Holly, men as well as women, who have just seen the person they love walk out the door, tend to do exactly the opposite of what they should do to "get my ex back".

They apologize, write passionate letters or send loving cards, text and phone endlessly in a bid to re-establish dialog and gain a measure of comfort. In some cases the torrent of texts almost amounts to harassment.

Later, they may become obsessively jealous and this poisonous emotion finds its way into the messages they send. All this is disastrous. Being clingy and needy is just not sexy and will only drive an ex suffering from claustrophobia even further into the wilderness.

So, if you too are wondering "how to get my ex back", the advice is to play it cool and try to reverse the behaviors that drove your loved one away. This is certainly possible, but it's not easy, and that is why I suggested Holly should try one of the excellent self-help programs available on line.

These programs teach you how to get things together in your head so you have the strength and confidence to rebuild your relationship. They then tell you, step -by- step, how you should go about the reconstruction. I can't tell you what a relief washes over people when they realize that the situation isn't hopeless and that there is hope.

The programs I recommend also give you invaluable bits of "headology", psychological tricks really, that you can arm yourself with to deal with difficult patches. It may feel a bit manipulative but we all need headology sometime and knowing these techniques does wonders for your confidence.

While it's true that every relationship is a bit different, it is also true that the emotional forces that drive us are common to everyone. An understanding of the emotional triggers and impulses that propel us is an immensely powerful tool to have in your possession.

So if you have had a break-up that's torn you apart, please dry your swollen eyes. There is excellent help available and, if you use it, then "get my ex back" can become not just a dream but a reality!