A good relationship should be built on mutual consideration and respect. We all need to feel valued and appreciated or else personal confidence and self esteem levels start to suffer. Then resentments can surface and a feeling of being a 'martyr' sets in. The words, 'after all I have done for you' epitomise that particular mindset. Firstly, it is important that we take responsibility for having allowed the situation to develop, and then begin to think about the best way to implement changes.

The truth is that boundaries of behaviour, how we allow ourselves to be treated, need to be set into place with all our relationships. Even children and elderly parents need to understand the importance of good manners and consideration of others. Children need to learn about acceptable behaviour so that when they branch out into the world they know how to behave with others and how to expect to be treated in return. Similarly elderly relatives need to be aware of mutual respect and dignity, especially if there is a growing dependancy on others for their care and support.

The key to this is the phrase 'how we allow ourselves to be treated'. Eleanor Roosevelt apparently said that we teach people how to treat us, and it is true, inasmuch as we are all giving off personal information constantly. Something like 85% of communication is non-verbal. So people are intuitively picking up signals from each other; body language, mood, attitude are all conveyed by stance, breathing patterns, miniscule movements of the face and body.

A depressed or downtrodden person will convey different signals from a confident happy person. Things like posture, shoulders and hands are important ways of communicating information that are often picked up without either the sender or receiver realising it. How often do we feel good or bad about a person, really like or dislike them, without knowing why. Just something about that person can make us feel positive or negative about them. This is all done via non-verbal communication and is a skill that can be learned, to both manage and interpret the signals.

Turning a situation into a win/win for both parties is about learning to respect ourselves as much as we consider and respect the other person. This really helps in improving personal mindset and attitude, which in turn filters through to how we feel about ourselves and communicate with others.

Boundaries are about learning to say 'no' when it is felt to be the right thing to say. They are about establishing a balance in life between doing things for ourself as well as for others. Sometimes saying 'no' can bring on feelings of guilt or of being a bad person, but once an appropriate balance is in place everyone benefits. And sometimes the person who is said 'no' to is fine about it. It may well be that we are putting the pressure on ourselves to feel that we have to always say 'yes' , guilt can be a powerful influence at these times, but the other person may just be asking the question and not mind what the answer is.

Good boundaries are about treating yourself as you would like to be treated, finding a balance between selfless and selfish behaviour and finding that the better you are treated, the more confident you become. The better you expect and even on occasion, demand to be treated, the easier life becomes and the quality of personal relationships often improves immensely.