A co-ordinated parenting strategy is vital in every family. Children too easily realize who to ask for things if one parent always says yes and the other says no. This can cause imbalance and conflict within the family, as well as confusion and manipulative behaviour in the children. A consistent parenting strategy is hard enough to achieve when the family live together, but when parents are divorced or separated and live apart, then this becomes even more important.

The first step to achieving a co-ordinated parenting strategy is to be honest with your children. They don't need to know every reason their parents are no longer together, but they need to know they can talk about it with both of you. If one parent talks about the issues with them and the other doesn't, it could make them uncomfortable at best, and at worst it could lead them to anger and confusion, which could cause further problems in later life.

The second step is to make sure that any major rules for your children are agreed with the other parent. Examples of key rules for older children and teens are curfews, boyfriends/girlfriends in the house, homework and housework duties. For younger children the agreed rules might cover bedtime, tidying their rooms and TV time. If there is no agreed parenting strategy regarding these rules and one parent has a more indulgent attitude, then the firmer parent will have problems dealing with the children when they return. This will not only make parenting more difficult but will also confuse the children as they won't know where their boundaries lie. Any punishment strategy should also be agreed. One strict parent and one relaxed parent do not give the right message about actions and consequences.

Further difficulties in agreeing a parenting strategy can occur if one or both parents re-marry and step-children, possibly eventually half-siblings, enter into the equation. Here it is extremely important that all children are treated in the same way, with the same rules applying irrespective of natural parentage. Although the 'wicked step-mother' of fairy tales is rarely a reality, it is very easy to treat your own biological children more favourably than step-children without realizing you are doing it. This leads to resentment, jealousy and disharmony which are all detrimental for the family as a whole, as well as the child's emotional development.

Co-ordinating a parenting strategy in separated families is a difficult thing to do, especially when there is still hurt or conflict surrounding the break up of the marriage. However, if you want your child to grow up as a well-adjusted, mentally healthy adult, then it is an important thing to try and get right.

For more details of parenting strategy refer to my free e-book "New Parenting Style" on http://www.newparentingstyle.com/index.html.