I think all of us can reflect upon times where our children have chosen not to follow our hopes and expectations of them. It can be easy to then personalize ("they are doing this to me on purpose" or "Wow! With all I do for them. This is all I asked and they can't do that for me") or power struggle ("she is not going to win this one. I'm not going to budge") and get off track.

The bottom line is we need to:

get buy-in from our kids, explaining why expectation is important and how we work as a team

be clear with our expectations - chores need to be done by the end of the day

- putting your clothes away means inside the drawers not on your bed

make sure they are reasonable - a 5 yr old is probably not going to fold the laundry so beautifully

- think maybe an item or two a day

- if a child has 3 hours of homework, they may not have time for too many other responsibilities.

follow-up with consequences (positive and negative ones)

Typically, the when we hear the word "consequence", we tend to think in terms of someone being in trouble. Consequences can be both positive and negative. The reality is that everything we do has a consequence. For example, if I eat spicy food, a positive consequence is that I like it and it tastes good. A negative consequence is that it might upset my stomach. Likewise, a positive consequence to doing homework is that the work will become easier, the child will probably do better on tests, etc. If the child does not do his or her homework, we might expect lower grades and so forth.

The type of consequences we give can be most important. Some happen naturally, like with the spicy food and the homework. As a parent, if I do nothing, the child will receive the consequences of lower grades, as well as the teacher/school may have consequences for the child not doing the work. These are considered the best because natural consequences do not need to be imposed by you; they just happen. Sometimes though, there is a delay in when the consequence will take effect. For example, if a child is not brushing teeth their teeth consistently, they will end up with cavities.

Another form of a consequence is a logical one, where we are then supplying the consequence which should relate to the issue. For example, if a child makes a mess in a room, it would make sense for them to help clean it up. If a bike is left outside, an appropriate consequence might be for them to lose it for a day. If children are fighting over a toy, the toy takes a time-out for the day.

It is important to give consequences consistently and swiftly to reinforce the connection to the behavior. However, you need to be able to do this calmly, so we are not overreacting with the level of consequence (i.e., sending a child to their room for the day/night without anything to eat) as well as modeling even when we are angry, we can express it in an appropriate manner and not have to blow-up, including hitting/hurting (physically or verbally) anyone.

Keep in mind that consequences are also positive and need to be given as well. Some examples of these include:

Activities: Regular activities your child enjoys (playing ball, video games, t.v., baking goodies, reading)
Personal items: Things your child wants (action figures, trading cards, dolls, CDs)
Food: Favorite snacks (ice cream, popcorn, popsicles, soda, pizza rolls, candy,)
People: Those your child wants to spend time with (neighbors, friends, grandparents, cousins, mom, dad, school friends)
Attention: Positive acknowledgment (thank you's, smiles, time together, compliments, high fives, thumbs-up, smiles)