Q. My husband doesn't want to work. I'm working and providing everything in the house. Imagine i leave for work in the morning and i leave him in bed and i still have to come and cook supper for him whilst he spends his whole time doing nothing. is this fair? We've been married for a year and 6 months. He's 36 and I'm 29. (Carla)

A. Your husband is obviously taking advantage because you are unhappy about your situation but appear mainly to be blaming him, while you reinforce his actions by allowing him to get away with his behaviour. Naturally, you will find someone else attractive in this instance because you are not getting much at home. But you need to sort home first before another relationship.

If you want change, you have to change YOURSELF first. You will not get change in your husband any other way. So, start off by telling him calmly that you have ended up doing everything and you need some help if you are to continue bringing in the money. Then you make a schedule of everything you both do, and clearly mark out what he has to do each week, if he wishes to stay at home. Tell him that the marriage is in danger if he does not play his part. Then put it on a trial for a couple of weeks, no more. When he completes his schedule, praise him for everything he does because it sounds as though he is not getting much affirmation just now with you being resentful of his behaviour. There is nothing for him to feel proud of and staying in bed is his way of shutting out your success and controlling the situation.

If nothing happens from his side, you then have to do something drastic to show him you are serious, otherwise you will simply end up getting more of the same forever and ever. After all, who wouldn't please himself if he had someone to not only look after him through working, but come home and look after him there as well? I'm afraid you have to stop blaming him and give him some ultimatums instead. Blaming might make you feel temporarily better, but it resolves nothing at all except to make you out to be the bad guy, the opposite of what you really want.

I think your husband has problems of low self-belief an self-esteem and so takes the easy way out by letting you get on with it. But you should not have put up with this behaviour beyond the first 3 months otherwise, it simply continues as he thinks you'll always accept it so as not to upset it. Time for a change, Carla. It's not easy to break a marriage but any man worth his salt would see that his value to his family lies in at least contributing. You really don't have a husband if he contributes nothing. You might as well be living on your own.