My Friend and Her Mother-In-Law With Dementia

This is a story of my friend Becca and her mother-in-law. They did not start off on the right footing...

Becca had to get married due to pressing circumstances. She was pregnant and as such it was a "shotgun" marriage. Her husband was still studying then and for herself, she was working in a factory. Her mother-in-law had high hopes for her son, so she saw Becca as destroying her son's future.

Being young, Becca was only 17 when she had her first child; it was not surprising that she did not take any effort to work on the relationship with her mother-in-law. Visits to her in-law's home were confined to occasions, birthdays, New Year's Day and Christmas, all performed out of a sense of filial duty, and conversations between them were "hello" and "goodbye" until the time her mother-in-law was diagnosed with Dementia.

Her mother-in-law failed to recognize her and mistook her for a good friend and under this "misconception" a happy and healthy relationship sprung up between them. Sad though it may be, but my friend was happy that she and her mother-in-law were eventually the best of friends and much to her own surprise; my friend found herself volunteering to be her mother-in-law's caregiver, when her Dementia progressed to the extent that she could no longer care for herself. And hers sons were contemplating putting her in an assisted living home.

I have great respect for Becca and I admired her for the support and care that she gave to her mother-in-law. She shared with me the experiences she went through and I captured them below. So, if you are thinking of taking care of an elderly person with Dementia, these may be helpful tips:

a) Ensure that appropriate discussion with own immediate family members is done as this is a full-time job and your own immediate family's needs and schedules will go through a drastic change.

b) Have a family meeting with the rest of the family to get the support. It is wise to recognize that this is a full- time job and you may need some personal time to run your own errands or have days off with your own immediate family. You may need to arrange for help in picking up prescriptions, taking the patient for visits to doctors, following up on tests and results, planning for their meals, bathing the elderly person, or just keeping the elderly company.

c) Have a family meeting to also discuss the financial needs for the elderly person's care upfront, as monetary issues often lead to family disputes.

d) For the convenience of both the elderly person and carer, it would be best to stay together in the same house as it is dangerous for a Dementia person to be left on her own.

My friend, Becca, decided to move in and live with her mother-in-law in order to give her mother-in-law better support and care.

Once volunteered, Becca found that the rest of the family, her husband's siblings and families, they all grew closer together. Her love and support for her mother-in-law had a catalytic effect and soon everyone chipped in to help, releasing her on some of the days when she had to run her own personal errands or take the day off to be with her own family.

Caring for an elderly person with Dementia can be pretty daunting, and it requires one to have much patience. Becca's advice is to go along with the elderly person instead of trying to reason it out as most of time she finds that she gets nowhere and end up with both parties upset and agitated. Dementia patients are known to become fearful, suspicious and get upset easily with no rhyme or reason, so arguing with them will only make matters worse.

At times, Becca would find her mother-in-law in front of the mirror talking to her own image and she would not leave the room as she claimed she had company. Becca, after a few incidences has learned that there is no point in aggressively threatening her but to play along with her, even at times to join in "their" conversation.

Becca mentioned that she does not know when her mother-in-law will act weird and create a scene, but she has through her observations noticed that her mother-in-law is affected by noisy and crowded environments. As a result, she avoids taking her mother-in-law to crowded and noisy places and also limits her mother-in-law's social life to immediate family and a small circle of close and old friends.

She had observed that her mother-in-law likes the outdoors, the park and gardens, so she makes it a point to schedule such excursions at least once a week.

Summary

Being a caregiver requires patience and love. One must be able to empathize and visualize oneself in the Dementia patient's shoes in order to be able to take on the role of a caregiver.

Word of advice from my friend, if you are contemplating being a caregiver, don't say "yes" until you have fully assess and understand the wide range of needs that comes with it, the encroachment on one's personal time and the sacrifices that one may have to make. Sometimes, it would be better; despite what others may feel or say, to put the elderly person in an assisted living environment.

My name is Cherry Soma and I am a public health nutritionist and consultant for the past 20 years and am now enjoying myself as a nutrition consultant and a writer on health articles on nutrition and elder care. Check out the link below on tips for on how to care for the elderly person at: Ageing Physically