Remember the little girl on the playground? You know, the one who really wants to be part of the group. Wants to join in. Wants to feel the love. But she doesn't. The little girl holds, back. Hopeful. Lonely. Watching.

It would be fair to say that the little girl is causing her own discomfort and sadness. After all, an objective observer can easily see that she could simply join in with the other kids. It would be easy to conclude that she doesn't join in because she doesn't want to play. But just ask her. She does! She just doesn't know how to make it happen.

An unfortunate myth in the mind-body health community suggests that someone who recognizes their role in creating a condition of ill health must have "wanted" to be sick. In most cases, this just isn't so. The average person, in creating their state of health, is no more aware of the process than our little girl on the playground is conscious of hers.

They both "want" one thing. Unintentionally, they are both creating something else.

What's going on in the little girl's mind? The answer to this question offers a really big clue. It will help us understand the results she's getting (i.e. being and feeling left out).

Here are a few key aspects of her mental "thought recital:"

• "I really wish someone would ask me to join in the play." Her strategy is off. She really doesn't understand that her own applied initiative would get better results -- faster -- than waiting around hopefully for somebody else to intervene.
• "I don't fit in." There is some truth to this. Because she's not used to playing with the other kids, their "play rules" don't come naturally to her. Should she try to join in, she'd likely feel awkward at first, and a little uncomfortable. Unless she and her new friends are patient, either they or she might very well stop the play session prematurely.
• "I'll never fit in." Things are going from bad to worse. While our friend may still have a fake smile plastered on her sad little face, she's starting to feel hopeless. She won't be able to keep up the facade forever. If she starts to cry, an adult may intervene and try to force the other kids to play with her. This probably won't go well. She'll know the engagement isn't genuine and that the other kids really didn't want her around. She still doesn't know the play rules, so she'll be awkward and uncomfortable. This will further reinforce her belief that she's unwanted.

An objective observer can easily see what the little girl should do next. Get some coaching on how to join a group of playing kids. Get some coaching on how to "be" when she joins in. Find a supportive person to observe her interactions, hear her concerns, and offer some feedback on what to try next. It really doesn't look so tough from out here.

Because the solution is so obvious to us, it's ever so tempting to think that it's equally obvious to her. That she could easily just cut the drama and join in. It is not. Our little friend is well intentioned, but clueless. Furthermore, the longer she continues on the path where she is today, the worse things are going to get.

We can see that. We can see that it's her own lack of action that's got her in this pickle. She cannot. It's as though she's wearing blinders.

Consider this. An adult facing a major lifestyle change is in much the same position as our little girl. His own actions got him into the situation where he is today. It's plain enough to see from the outside. Does he want to be there? Of course not. But from inside the situation, it can be extremely difficult to see the way out.

From inside the problem, all a person usually sees is the problem! From that perspective, it often looks like the situation somehow "just happened" without their involvement. The temptation to deny responsibility for having created things as they are can be very compelling.

Using our hopeful but sad little girl as a metaphor, perhaps you've recognized some aspect of your current life that feels like she does. You're stuck somewhere and can't easily see the way out. You don't "want" to be there, but you are.

Now somebody on the outside is telling you it's a simple matter of making some different choices. As if it were really that easy! It may feel almost like they're blaming you for the problem, or at least for not taking the "oh so obvious" steps to correct it. That is frustrating to say the least. If it was "oh so obvious" to you, you would have done it already.

Let's cut back to our little girl for a minute. While we can see that it's really up to her to make the changes that will ultimately improve her situation, have we blamed her for being where she is?

No. To blame her would imply that we think she consciously intended to create herself as a lonely, friendless victim. Of course she did not. It all happened in the background, and quite by accident.

Our little girl is blameless for her situation. At the same time, only she has the power to bring herself out of it. An interesting dilemma! Coincidentally, one you may share.

The little girl on the playground has got her work cut out for her. She's up for challenging some of her core beliefs about who she is and how things work in the world. She'll probably start by tuning in on her "thought recital," and then making it more productive. From there, she'll generate positive feelings about her ability to create the life she wants and follow that up with consistent action.

Before she knows it, she'll be running and playing with the other kids -- just like she wants! And you, if you follow the same course, will have restored your health.