Divorce is becoming more and more common as our species lives longer. The result is that about a third of children today grow up in a home without two biological parents. While adults often have valid reasons for splitting up, children experience it as a series of cataclysmic changes in their lives. For children, divorce typically means a move to a new home or homes, a new school, making new friends, and, often, new people in their parents' lives. All this takes place for a child who is usually not able to participate in the decision making or to escape the consequences of the parents' choices. How each child copes with the stress depends upon many factors but there are some generally well accepted methods for helping children through the tough times.
• Play fair with your child. Children love both parents. Do not use a child to fight an adult's battles. When parents argue in front of the child or ask the child to carry negative messages or speak poorly about the other parent in the child's hearing, the child is being used as a weapon in the ongoing battle between parents. Too often, this scenario is played out by parents who either consciously or not, want the child to choose sides. Remember, today's events are tomorrow's memories and will shape how the child understands the world in the future.
• Respect the parent/child relationship. The parent/child relationship always changes as a result of divorce. Children are no longer able to relate to parents as a unit and must develop a new relationship with each parent. It is normal for a parent to wonder about what happens in the other household and to be concerned about the child's time away with the other parent. But remember, every relationship between two people is unique and is owned by them. Unless the other parent is abusive, accept that the child needs both parents and be open and supportive of the child's time with the other parent.
• Accept that household rules may be different. It would be wonderful if both households could develop similar plans for chores, discipline, and homework. However, that rarely ever happens. Instead, the child learns the new routines and expectations in each of the homes. Understand and accept that the other household will likely be different and try to be patient. If you strongly feel that you must speak about your concerns with an issue (i.e., the child falls asleep in class because he goes to bed too late on Sunday night), arrange some time to speak with the other parent when the child is not present. Be specific about the concern and be open to suggestions. Remember, a shaming or blaming approach will immediately shut down the possibility of positive communication.
Divorce hurts, even when both parties want to dissolve the marriage. Conveying respect, using positive communication, and maintaining self-restraint are not easy tasks when the divorced couple has ongoing issues. Feelings of anger, betrayal, humiliation, and disappointment do not resolve themselves overnight. However, remember that your child did not choose his parents, nor did he choose to divorce. Allow him the comfort and security of knowing that his parents both do really love him and show him that by doing everything possible to help him cope.
For more helpful information about divorce and children, read, "Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce" by M. Gary Neuman. Ramona Hall is a Licensed Educational Psychologist and Nationally Certified School Psychologist. She has been in private practice in Santa Clarita, California for 15 years. Ramona provides testing, therapy, consultation, and case management services to adults and to children in need of educational support and intervention. Additional articles and information about educational psychology can be found at http://ramonahalleducationalpsychology.com
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