Kids and Divorce - Moms and Dads Make the Difference

**WARNING**

SOMETIMES FACING A TRUTH CAN BE DIFFICULT AND UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT PLEASE TRY TO UNDERSTAND THAT FACING AN "UNCOMFORTABLE TRUTH" HEAD-ON CAN HAVE LIFE LONG POSITIVE EFFECTS. SOME POINTS I MAKE IN THIS ARTICLE MAY BE HARD FOR SOME TO ACCEPT AND SOME SUGGESTIONS I MAKE MAY SEEM IMPOSSIBLE OR REQUIRE MONUMENTAL EFFORT TO ACCOMPLISH, AT FIRST. BUT REMEMBER...NOTHING REALLY GOOD COMES WITHOUT EFFORT.

In The Beginning...

We meet someone special, we fall in love, we marry with the intention to be husband and wife for our lifetime, we start a family and become parents who wish for a life of happiness for our children. We put the best interests of our kids and our family above anything else.

But for more than 50% of couples who follow the above path, their marriage ends and happiness seems farther and farther from reality for everyone. Many parents who go through a breakup loose sight of keeping their children's happiness their priority and this oversight can have a devastating effect on their children.

Its difficult enough for moms and dads to deal with the heartache of divorce, but kids can understandably have an even more difficult time with it. As parents we can ease the pain of divorce on our kids when we act with their best interests in mind and understand what they are going through, which may require recalling your own childhood, even if we didn't experience divorce ourselves. A happy mom and dad, together or not, is in the best interest of our kids.

This began as a difficult article to write because doing so brought up memories from my own childhood experience with the non-ending of my parents marriage, and it also causes me to focus on how the ending of my own marriage effected my kids. I realized it is how we, their moms and dads, react to the ending of our marriage that effects our children the most. Its not just the fact that mom and dad aren't physically together anymore, its about how happy WE are apart and how we feel about and treat one another that really determines how our children are effected by divorce.

Before, and After a Divorce Moms are Their EVERYTHING!... And Dads are Too!

To our babies, MOMS are it! Moms are the entire world to their children, before and after they are born and throughout life. Though some babies are obviously born to single moms and the presence of dad may be lacking, mom provides all the love her baby needs to be perfectly happy. But when dad is in the picture his presence is felt deeply, as is the love he feels for his baby and her mother.

In addition to nourishment, warmth and the physical attention our babies want and need, they also need to FEEL our love for them. They also very much want and need to feel the love their mom and dad have for one another. Seeing and feeling happiness in their mom and dad is paramount to a child and adds greatly to a child's sense of security and to their emotional wellbeing.

Of course it is a challenge to actually BE happy in the throws of a difficult separation or divorce, however, as understandable our sadness is, our children FEEL our sadness too thanks to neurons in the brain we all possess called "Mirror Neurons."

Kids absolutely hate to hear and see mom and dad argue, but it happens in every family, some more so than others and some worse than others, but either way, it does not make a child feel good to see his parents angry, especially at one another.

To see mom and dad unhappy and to also sense that there may be a break-up of the family looming will provide the deepest feelings of sadness in any child, and if as parents our desire is to protect our children from deep sadness, you would think we would do everything in our power to protect them during this most difficult time.

The statements below should be the over-riding conscious thoughts in the mind of moms and dads during any argument that is obviously escalating, whether or not a separation is imminent if we put our children's best interests first.

Right now my behavior is causing sadness in my child, and I can change that!

Right now, with my words and behavior my child is developing beliefs

It is up to me to help him develop positive beliefs about himself, others, his parents and his future by choosing my words mindfully

How might my child have perceived the words I just spoke?

If my child may have perceived my words negatively, I must change it for his sake and mine!

The Number One Best Thing a Dad can do for his children is...

To Love Their Mother...No Matter What!

The Number One Best Thing a Mom can do for Her Children is...

To Love Their Father...No Matter What

Think about this for a moment...

Q. What is the one thing that someone can say to a kid that cuts the deepest?

A. Its when someone says something mean or degrading about their mom or dad right?

Its likely that kid would be very upset at the person talking smack about his parent right?

Well, think about this the next time you start to loose control in an argument with the mom or dad of your child, especially if your child can hear you!

A Final thought...

Regardless of how terrible we feel we may have been treated by our spouse, we have the opportunity, even in the ending of our marriage to provide our children with lessons and an experience that can benefit their lives rather than hinder it. We have the opportunity to model the behavior and attitudes we wish to see in our children by being mindful of our words and reactions to the words spoken to us. We have the opportunity to model FORGIVENESS, COMPASSION and RESPONSIBILITY. We have the opportunity to teach our children that we get to choose how to react to an adversity and we can do so in a way that will have the positive outcome we want.

Patrick McMillan is the founder of http://www.KidsCanDoAnything.com and author of An Exercise in Happiness, an Emotional Fitness Program for Kids.

A stay-at-home parent for over seven years and now single parent of their two boys, Patrick teaches parents and kids to see the opportunity in all of life's events and choose to be Happy on Purpose!

Patrick is also the co-founder of Happier Kids Now, a FREE On-Line Mega Expo for Parents and Teachers scheduled for October 2010 featuring LIVE content rich interviews with 21 Expert Authors, Educators and Scientists about raising Happy Self-Confident Kids and Teens.
Visit http://www.HappierKidsNow.com for more information.