The other day, I received a very heart felt email from a woman who did not know what else to do to save her 3 year relationship. She and her boyfriend had been very happy and things were going well until one night the woman had too much to drink and had a one night fling with an ex boyfriend who was back in town for only a short period of time.

The girlfriend was deeply sorry for this and told me that she would do anything to make amends and to get her boyfriend (who she called "the love of my life") back. She had no contact with the person that she cheated with and didn't intend to. She insisted that the other guy meant absolutely nothing to her and that her heart was breaking since she had messed things up in this way.

She asked for my advice on how she could make her boyfriend see that this was a one time thing that would never happen again. She wanted for him to believe that he was the only one she wanted and that she would do everything in her power to make this right. She wanted my advice as to how she could "win him back." I will tell you what I told her in the following article.

Getting Your Boyfriend Back When You Were The One Who Cheated: The first thing that I did was caution the girlfriend that this would likely take time. She had to put herself in his position. He had put three years of himself and his life into a relationship that he trusted in, but now he had just find out that things were not as they seemed. When I told the girlfriend this, she replied "well, that's not exactly true because this one night stand meant nothing to me. I don't love him any less and I didn't then. It was just a mistake. But it had nothing to do with how much I love him."

I asked the girlfriend to consider if the roles were reversed. Would she buy this explanation if her boyfriend had cheated? Would she not be traumatized over and over again by imagining her boyfriend betraying her with his old girlfriend? She had to admit that this would be heartbreaking for her. I then asked her if she would just be able to "get over" this abruptly. And, if, despite her love for her boyfriend, she could just quiet those voices and doubts that would certainly be in her head and then just immediately trust again?

She admitted that she probably would not be able to do this immediately. Yet, this is exactly what she was asking and expecting her boyfriend to do. This was certainly not fair. She had to understand how deeply hurtful and shocking this really was for her boyfriend. She would likely need to have a lot of patience. And this patience was a very small price to pay for her mistake. She was willing to do this because she truly did love her boyfriend, was so very remorseful, and was sincere when she said this would never happen again.

Still, I very much wanted for her to explore if there were any issues that she did not want to admit - even to herself. I rarely buy the fact that cheating isn't an indicator of an issue that needs to be addressed. This may well be an individual issue rather than a couple issue. But whether it is a lack of self esteem, a need for validation, or an issue with the relationship, it was very important to make sure that there's not something lying in wait underneath the surface. It's not fair to implore the boyfriend to forgive you if there is an issue that is going to ensure that you will hurt him again.

Showing Him That You're Still There, No Matter What: I often tell people that getting a boyfriend back after you cheated often entails repeating acts that show that you are sincere and trustworthy over and over again. He's not going to believe you at first. The hurt is going to keep him from being as receptive as you would like. You have to be willing to accept this and allow him to go at his own pace. Truly, if you love him as much as you say, then this should not be that big of a sacrifice.

Restoring his trust should be among your biggest concern. You should make it very clear that you're going to be there for as long as it takes until he is ready to move forward and you're not going to pressure or press him. There should be no doubt that the blame lies with you and you're willing to take full responsibility for your actions and to clean up the mess that your actions made. Never ever insinuate that he is in any way to blame or in any way lacking. Your objective is to allow him to maintain his dignity and self esteem. It should be very clear that none of this is his fault and that it all lies on your shoulders.

Finally, this must go at his pace, not yours. Your goal is to hope that, over time, he will see your sincerity and remorse and decide that he's better off being with you than without you. All you can really do here is express what is in your heart and what is the truth. You can not control if he chooses to believe this. It is his choice. But, you can make clear that you will be there when it makes this choice, that you love him, and that you hope the choices to give you that second chance.