For most normal people (I include myself in this category) a difficult conversation will generate higher than average levels of stress and anxiety, after all more often than not there's a lot at stake in a difficult conversation. Irrespective of the substantive nature of your conversation, if you get it right you feel relief, joy and pride at having successfully navigated the turbulent waters of a difficult conversation. Get it wrong however and the landscape can look very different indeed. So how do you improve your chances of swimming and not sinking when you dive into the murky waters of a difficult conversation?
Prepare to Prepare
The truth about most difficult conversations is that we often overestimate the inherent risk in having the conversation and underestimate the negative consequences of not talking about what we need to talk about most. Preparing for a difficult conversation doesn't involve standing in front of a mirror and shouting 'I'm a Tiger' over and over, contrary to popular belief. In fact it's quite the opposite. So getting yourself into the right frame of mind is critical, you will be besieged by thoughts of suspicion, blame, denial and judgment all of which will only serve to increase your anxiety levels and reduce the chances of having a productive conversation. The key to accessing the right mindset is to get yourself into a place of curiosity, compassion and open-mindedness and stay there throughout the conversation.
Emotional State Management
Difficult conversations will trigger a whole range of different feelings both in and the other person. Being alert to the physical manifestation of these emotions is the first step to emotional state management and emotional intelligence is at the heart of effective conversations. Every emotion we experience has a corresponding physiological state; we feel angry-we go red in the face (not everyone but certainly me), we feel anxious - we start taking short shallow breaths. Before we even contemplate managing the emotions of others we must manage ourselves. One powerful way of doing this is to name the emotion, doing so brings it out into the open and when it's out there you can do something about it. After all emotions buried alive never die.
Internal Dialogue Control
We all have the capacity to talk to ourselves from time to time, some more than others. This is a normal and natural process, so don't be alarmed! Our internal dialogue can be a resource to us and at the same time can be a hindrance to us. It can be helpful to remind ourselves that we've performed well during a work task such as a difficult conversation with a colleague or customer or to reassure ourselves that things will turn out well despite our concerns. Internal dialogue becomes problematic when used for self-criticism, or worse, when used to put ourselves down. Pay attention to your internal dialogue as this can have a significant impact on your emotional state and mindset.
The Conversation
When you've prepared well for anything you can generally expect things to turn out fine, the same can be said for a difficult conversation. So choosing the right time and the right location will also enhance your chances of things turning out better than expected.
Signpost the Conversation
It's always wise to forewarn the other person that a difficult conversation is coming, you don't need any fireworks or bright lights, just simply outline the the things you'd like to talk about, why they're important to you and what you'd like to achieve out of the conversation. So rehearse this part of the conversation and be clear in your mind what your hopes and aspirations are and remember to articulate these.
Roadmap the Conversation
Just as you are probably feeling a touch anxious, there's a good chance the other person is to, so it's always helpful to provide a structure to your conversation, which might sound something like this;
"I want to suggest a way to do this that gives both of us time to think and respond to what's being said. I'm open to the possibility that I've either missed something or in some way contributed to this, so I'd like to hear your reactions to what I've got to say and also get your perspective."
"Here's how I thought we could do it: I start by describing my perspective, what I remember about what happened and get your reaction."
"I'd like to say how it left me feeling and the impact I think it could have on me, and I'd like to hear your thoughts on that."
"I'd then like to explore ways between us that could ensure that when we work together in future we work effectively together."
"Do you have any questions or concerns about what I'm proposing?"
This is the point where you begin your conversation. Now is your chance to expand on what you've already signposted to them that you'd like to talk about.
Ending on a High
Just like any story or conversation, there is a start a middle and an end. The final chapter in your conversation is to ensure you reach some kind of agreement that satisfies your mutual interests. It may be that you agree to do or say something differently at a particular time in a particular context. Whatever it may be, make sure that your agreements are SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time dependent).
If you've prepared for the conversation the chances are it's gone better than if you hadn't and if you've followed a structured process and remained in a resourceful emotional state for the most part then you've massively increased the likelihood of reaching the outcome you desired in the first place. I admit that this article is 'the back of a napkin version' so if you really want to go into much greater depth and learn all the tips, strategies and scripts for having the most effective difficult conversation then download your copy of the eBook for free.
About this Author
After 5 years searching the rivers of war ravaged regions of Africa for diamonds, Aled Davies turned his career on its head and set up www.resolvegb.Com to resolve conflicts closer to home. His conflict resolution expertise is sought after by some of the biggest multinational corporations. He is a top flight mediator and leadership team facilitator. Get a glimpse of his insights into workplace conflict and download his free eBook on Difficult Conversations in the Workplace.
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