How to Love People the Way They Are

Yesterday, a friend of mine phoned me and told me that she had problems with her mother. Her mother actually divorced her father a couple of years ago and she is now dating men. She can't stay with one, every time she has to change because she always find something that goes wrong.

My friend told me that she wanted her mother to change. And beside this thing with men that she disapproved, she also complained about the lack of presence of her mother for her. She explained me that she needed her, and that it is really difficult to have a mother who doesn't care about her. She thinks it is normal that a mother has to worry about her daughter and ask after her.

Freedom Is A Right

First of all, I explained my friend that her mother didn't have to do what she wanted her to do. When you think about it, even if my friend's mother doesn't make good decisions with men for example, it is truly her choice to do what she wants. Who is my friend to tell her mother what to do? Who is anybody to tell anybody what to do?

You can tell me: "She is her daughter", I would say: "Yes, and then?". Yes they are from the same family, yes they are linked by blood but this is not a reason. Nobody, family or not family, have rights on the freedom of someone else.

Family is a sensible topic and in general people's rights are overridden in the family circle with more power. It is because we have the belief that being part of a family make that we have special authority on its members. But it is not true and it is really a source of pain. The belief that you can change people even if they don't want to is source of pain for both parts too.

What The Will To Change People Really Means

Now, let's see why people don't have to be changed even if you think this is the reason why you suffer.

First of all, I'm not saying that you cannot give your opinion to people. It just depends on which frame of mind you are. If you are in the frame of mind to change people, then the communication between you and the person you want to change will not be good. Because you will talk to this person in the way that she will feel a pressure that she has to do things in order to please you.

When you want to change people, it means that you think and believe that the answer to your problems are outside of you, that is to say in the person you want to change. You think that if the person changes you won't have your problems anymore. And this is a big mistake. First if you think about it, you don't want the person to change for her good, you always have a benefit for this change. If not, you would not make her change at all cost. This is a selfish request because you ask somebody to make a change for your good and for your well being.

This is bad for you because you put the accomplishment of your happiness outside of you, that is to say that you will never find it. Happiness, well-being, realization, confidence... are states you can only find in yourself. The belief that it is outside will make you unhappy. This is really a tricky thing because when you truly believe that your happiness depends on other, you act with them in a way where neither you nor them can be happy and it makes a vicious circle.

For example in my friend's story, she told me that her mother has to change to become more present for her. She gave the example of the phone. She wants her mother to call her more regularly to ask after her and be sure that everything is okay for her daughter. After all, this is her function, said my friend.

I asked her why she doesn't call her mother if it is really giving her some news that she wanted. She told me: "No, she has to do that, not me!". I said that in this instance, the reality is that she doesn't really want to give news to her mother because if it was, she would just take her phone and said: "hi mum, I call you to give you some news!"

At this moment she realized that it was indeed not the fact that she wanted to give news to her mother but the fact that she wanted a love proof from her mother.

I told her, you think your mother doesn't love you? She told me no, I know she loves me BUT...I said: "STOP, you have your answer, you want to change your mother but the reason why you want this is not what you think."

I told to my friend that loving people means to love them the way they are. I explained her that she wanted proof of her mother's love, but at the same time she didn't give a proof of love to her mother because she didn't accept the way she was. She realized that indeed, every time she met her mother she reproached her for something!

Another important thing is, that everybody has the right to be the way they are. Who are we to want people to change? We are dictators... The way we want it, even if we find "good reasons" to want this change, makes us dictate to other how they have to be. Dictators had really "good reasons" in their beliefs to do what they did!

People have the right to make mistakes, people have the right to do what they want for themselves and we don't have to say anything. If we want to give our opinion to people, and if we know we can because they do agree with it, of course there is no problem. And it is great to give our opinion to people, this could help if the person wants to. But the way that the person will act with our opinion doesn't matter. It is not our problem anymore. It is up to the person to do what she wants to do. We did our job, we gave our advices and opinion about a situation we think is difficult and now it's the other person's job to decide what she wants to do with our advice or opinion.

The way people act don't have to have any consequences on us.

There is one rule you have to understand and master: The problems always come from you, people are never responsible for your unhappiness or your misery. This is yourself that make you unhappy. If you start to believe that you feel bad because somebody did that, if you feel angry because somebody told that... It means that you put the problem outside of you and can't find a solution that will make you really happy.

For example, you could say that if somebody does something that hurts you, this is his fault. The thing is to understand that the fact that other people interact with you is normal. The interactions can be in a good way or in a bad way, but it is normal! This is the reality. We have the belief in our mind that everybody has to be kind with us. This is not true! If we think this, then we are not going to be happy, because we put our happiness in someone else's hands.

The reality isn't that people have to be kind, have not to be violent... If it was the instance, it would not be violence neither nastiness on earth. Is our world fill in with kind people and non-violent people? NO. So face it! Reality isn't that everybody has to be good to you because you are you and you deserve kindness. If you believe it, then you won't be happy, because you will think that it is people due to be kind with you and that it is people's responsibility if you are unhappy, depressed...

When something happens to you, you have to accept it. Because things are the way they are and it can't be change. When you think that somebody shouldn't have done what he's done, you go against the reality that cannot be changed. You fight with reality and you are going to lose. Why fighting if we know things cannot be change? It could seem crazy no? But that is exactly what we all do! Complaining about someone else make you make your own sadness. Struggling against the reality means struggling with our self and make our own unhappiness...

You Are Responsible Of Your Happiness!

Another thing, when you think you need other people's love proof, it means in reality that you need a proof of your own love for yourself. When you look for love outside of you, you will miss it. You don't need other people's love! You need to focus on yourself, focus on the love you give to you and how you can be mean to yourself fighting reality all the time and make you suffer all the time! If somebody doesn't give you the love you want, ask you the question: has this person the obligation to give me her love? The answer is no, so in reality, what makes you suffer is not the lack of love but the fact that you fight reality and don't accept it. The only thing to do is, okay, she doesn't love me. Is it a drama? No more, because you are accepting reality, and when you face it. You can't feel unloved anymore, because you give yourself enough love to be able to make you stop suffering anymore in accepting reality. Accepting reality, means stop fighting and stop fighting means happiness.

So, in a nutshell, if you love people the way they are and don't wait for anything, well it is true love. True love for yourself because you don't put your happiness outside, and true love for the other person because you will respect her rights and freedom.

Virginie M.