Diamond Author
Have you ever wondered why people don't seem to listen when you're explaining something to them? Or maybe you've been frustrated by people who don't seem to be able to follow your reasoning Or even worse, maybe you yourself have been accused of not listening or paying attention.
You're not alone - the ability to be a good listener is one of the communication skills most often sited as lacking in the workplace. Sadly, there is often little improvement even after having taken a 'communications' course. Having sat through a good number of these courses during my years in a research organization, I've seen the frustration on the faces of my colleagues as they were told to "face the speaker, maintain eye contact, minimize distractions and listen actively", some of the more common instructions given to them to improve their ability to listen. While these are all valid techniques to improve ones ability to listen, they are 'mechanical' methods and are of only limited help for someone who wants to establish a better working relationship and connect at a less superficial level.
The advice that caused the most confusion for my colleagues was the one that told them to "listen actively". Here again the details were more often directed to mechanical activities - lean forward, nod and utter encouraging noises, look interested, pay attention to body language and listen for the meaning behind what they're saying - you've probably heard these and similar directions. Again, all valid points. However, and here's the real problem, my colleagues needed directions as to how to actually put this advice into action in a way that would improve their ability to carry on a meaningful two way conversation.
What was missing were details on what they needed to listen for, the clues that people provide that tell those observant enough to pick up on them, how to communicate with them in a way that makes it easy to connect and relate. And because they missed these clues, their conversations often led to mis-communication, frustration and irritation because they felt people were being difficult and just 'didn't get it'.
The problem with the majority of communications training is that it leans towards the mechanical side, often because those presenting it are naturally very good communicators and do it intuitively - they don't understand that those whose brains are wired differently don't naturally pick up on what they do. As a result analytical "left brained" thinkers are left wondering why they get so frustrated dealing with people.
What my colleagues in science and engineering (and people like them) need is a guide book on what to actually listen for, the clues people give in the way they communicate and in the words that they use in their own communication. After hearing how the other person structures their conversation and what they are trying to accomplish in the dialogue, they can connect the dots and develop a road-map for presenting their own side of the conversation in such a way that the other person is open and receptive to the information.
There are many ways that people are uniquely different however the good thing is that certain characteristics trend to cluster together in such a way as to be usable as an indicator of traits likely to be present in that person. This is very valuable to those who are observant and know what to look for because now they can create a roadmap of how best to navigate a conversation with the other person for the best results.
One example of how one can use their powers of observation to improve their ability to communicate and connect with others is to identify a person's Representational Style, which some people call 'communication style'.
Representational Style refers to the natural way that people like to give and receive information. It comes from the neuro-linguistic programing work of Richard Bandler and refers to a persons tendency to be Visual, Auditory, Kinesthetic or Auditory-Digital. Each of these representational styles shows up differently and the words people use provides you with the clues you need to identify their preferred style. Once you understand their preferred style, you know how best to present information to them.
For example a 'visual' person sees things in pictures and will pepper their speech with words like 'see, clearly, dark, now I see it, it's fuzzy, give me the big picture, please clarify that' and other visually oriented words, so you need to make sure you give them the 'big picture' and provide visual cues for them. When checking in with them, use visual terms like " do you see what I mean", and "how does that look to you?".
A person with an 'auditory' communication style will use words that relate to sound. Examples include 'tell me more, I hear you, that's music to my ears' and 'I hear you loud and clear'. When saying goodbye, they will likely will say something like 'talk to you later', or 'I'll call later'. A word of warning - don't assume that it means that they will be calling you back any time soon - it's just the way they end conversations!
You are most likely dealing with a person with a 'kinesthetic' style if they frequently use words like 'touch, connect, feel, numb, comfortable, hard', and 'fit'. Common expressions include 'I'm comfortable with that, they rub me the wrong way, I get your point', and 'I've got a handle on that one'. When ending a conversation they may say something like 'let's stay in touch', or 'take care'. If you hear these words frequently, one of the ways you can improve your ability to connect with them and build rapport is by using these and similar types of words more often when speaking with them.
A more recent addition to Bandler's original three styles is 'Auditory Digital'. People in this category carry on a lot of internal self-talk and favor words such as 'consider, thought, figure out, logical' and phrases like 'figure it out, make sense of it, I know what you mean'. They are good at solving complex problems and are able to connect the dots to see the "big picture". If you think you are dealing with an Auditory Digital person you can connect better with them by using phrases that they can relate to, such as "does this make sense to you", and "I'd like your thoughts on this".
People are continually leaving clues as to their preferences and by listening and recognizing what these clues are you can communicate in a manner that they can quickly relate to and feel comfortable with. Remember, it's much easier to get your point across if you are speaking the 'same' language, so increasing your flexibility with the various representational communication styles will improve your ability to connect with and be successful with others in any situation.
About this Author
Karen Switzer-Howse, B.Sc., is an environmental biologist by training and a synergist by nature. She has worked at the interface between environmental protection and land use, between logical solutions and emotional responses, for over 25 years in the profit, not for profit and government research environments. She now devotes her time to helping science based professionals and technical experts working in multi-disciplinary environments create personal and professional synergy so they can improve their "workplace ecology", making their points and building success with confidence and ease with anyone, anywhere, anytime. To learn more about how to enhance your interpersonal skills to achieve success with synergy, please visit http://www.SoftSkillsMastery.com.
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