I sometimes get emails from extremely remorseful spouses who had an affair and now deeply and completely regret it. I'm often asked what they can begin to do to help to clean up this mess. They will often ask things like "how can I help my spouse to see that I won't do this again?;" or "how can I help my spouse to see that I'm really sorry and that I will make this up to her?;" or "how can I even look at myself in the mirror anymore? I'm not sure how to move forward because I'm so disgusted with myself.

In truth, you really have two people to deal with after you've had an affair. You will most definitely have to deal with the anger, frustration, and confusion from your spouse. But, you'll also have to deal with the fall out from yourself. If you're truly remorseful and if you can see this objectively without being defensive, you'll often be very angry at yourself. And, that's not to say that you don't deserve these reactions. But, sometimes, this will slow down your progress and it really doesn't help to improve things, which really should be your goal.

How To Begin To Help Your Cause With Your Spouse After You Had An Affair: First off, you have to be realistic. Imagine how you would react if this was you dealing with your spouse's affair. You would likely be shocked, devastated, insecure, angry, and spiteful. This doesn't say negative things about you or your spouse. This just means that their reaction means that they are a typical human being. You broke your wedding vows and you put your own needs (as well as someone else's) before your spouse and before your marriage. This is bound to make them extremely hurt and angry. And, these wounds cut so deeply that it's both unrealistic and unfair to expect for your spouse to "just get over it." This isn't going to happen and if it seems to, it's because your spouse is pushing down their feelings either for your benefit or because they perceive that they aren't equipped to (or don't want to) deal with them.

Helping Your Spouse Understand That You Are Truly Sorry About Cheating And Want To Work Things Out: This is probably the biggest question that I get. And, you have to understand that this is a process. You can't expect for them to just believe you or to forgive you immediately. But, here is what they really want to know. They want to know that you still love them and that this was a one time mistake that will never be repeated. They want to know that you still find them attractive. And, they want to know that you understand just how much that you have hurt them and that you feel their pain and don't want for either of you to be hurt by this anymore.

To that end, it's absolutely OK for you to show them your remorse. Many people (men especially) do not want to show this weakness. Many men tell me that they think if their wives saw them truly upset, they will think that the husband is "weak" or "pathetic." This really isn't true. We actually want to see this, most of the time. Actually, one turning point for me was when I was screaming at my husband and I turned around to see him silently sobbing, his head in his hands, his shoulders slumped. It was at that moment that I knew that he was hurting too.

That's not to say that you should "fake" these emotions. That's still deception and that's exactly what you must be avoiding. But if you're honestly experiencing some feelings, then share them. Whatever you share must be the absolute truth and whatever you say must absolutely happen. Your spouse is going to be very sensitive and on the look out for false truths and lies. Make sure that you are always, from here on out, completely honest.

It might get old. I have husbands who often tell me that they feel like a 2 year old who has to "check in" all of the time. Well, that's unfortunate, but that's often what needs to be done. Your spouse needs to see that you are willing to do what they need for you to do. This goes a long way toward gaining their trust back.

Helping Yourself After You Cheated: I want to briefly touch on your own self care. It's very common for people to beat themselves up time and time again after they cheated. They will often tell me that they hate themselves and can't even stand to look at their own image. While I'm glad that the remorse is there, this really doesn't do anyone any good. What's important is that you pinpoint why you did this so that you don't let it happen again. There is nothing that you can do to undo what has been done. So, stop dwelling on that. Everyone makes mistakes. What you can control though is where you go from here. You have the ability to take an awful situation and to make sure some good comes out of it. If you use this situation to ensure that you create the best marriage that you can and to be the best spouse that you can, then you've done all that you can do. And, if you hang in there, there is a good chance that your spouse will come to realize this.