I get a lot of emails asking if it's possible or even advisable to forgive a husband after he has been unfaithful.  There are typically many emotions that you are having to deal with all at once and typically forgiveness, or even the thought of it, doesn't come until later - until you've had the time to process some of this and to allow your anger to begin to dissipate just slightly.  Still, many women doubt that they will ever be able to forgive this sort of betrayal and many ask me if they "have to" forgive in order for the marriage to work or even to be able to move on individually.  I will try to address this in the following article.

Know That You Don't Have To Rush Forgiveness After Infidelity: In order for forgiveness to be genuine, it must not be rushed, or pressured, or forced or brought on through guilt.  It has to be something that you truly want to and are ready to do and this often does not happen until enough time has passed so that you can begin to see things without the veil of fury and resentment.

Often, it's uncomfortable when things are sort of limping along in a very undesirable way and it's hard to see your spouse and yourself so miserable and in so much pain.  So, there is a tendency to rush this process.  You want for things to feel better and you suspect that if you make a show of forgiveness, then this will smooth things over and make every one feel somewhat better. 

The problem with this is that if you're really not at this place, eventually, this is going to backfire.  Your doubt is going to manifest itself eventually (and this will usually be more negative than the discomfort was.)  Don't allow yourself to feel guilty if you are not ready to "go there" just yet.  This is a very difficult thing to go through and it's important that you give yourself time and that you make sure that you have everything that you need so that you're not having the nagging doubts that are keeping you from moving on and offering your genuine forgiveness.

Try To Get An Honest Account So That You Can Experience A Genuine Response: Often after some months, some women will finally be able to come to a place where they can see their marriage from their husband's point of view. I'm not talking about taking on the blame for the affair.  You should never do that.  No matter what the state of your marriage was, your husband had many other alternatives.  So do not take the blame that you do not deserve.

With that said, there are always two sides to every marriage.  There are always vulnerabilities that we don't or won't see until we are forced to.  There are places where we have held back or weren't there or any number of things and it often helps when you can see this.  Because no one is blameless in the tiny cracks in your marriage.  Was it wrong for your husband to cheat because of them?  You bet it was! But, often if you can understand some of his vulnerabilities, you can begin to shift your perception.

Often men cheat because of low self esteem or because they are feeling unworthy in some way.  They don't want to share this of course so they try to boost their self esteem in some other way.  If you can accept this vulnerability, you might at least be able to follow his line of thinking (as flawed as it is.)

Make Sure He's Given You Everything You Need To Warrant Your Forgiveness For His Infidelity:  Often we can't forgive because he doesn't yet deserve it.  We're not sure that he's really broken it off and we're not sure that he really wants to be with us.  It's really his responsibility to take these doubts from our minds by offering reassurance and by giving us access to his personal information so that we can "check up," at least for a little while.  If he hasn't done these things, then don't be shy about asking him to do them.  Often if you knows exactly what is standing in the way of your ability to forgive him, then he will remove these obstacles when asked.

Understanding That Forgiveness For His Infidelity Is Really For Your Benefit: Often wives who have been cheated on think that forgiveness is something that they give their husbands, but honestly, it's something that you give yourself.  It's saying that you no longer want to be held prisoner by doubt or by negative feelings.  It's letting go of the vice grip that is becoming oh so hard to continue to lug around. It's about loving yourself enough to know that you'll be OK no matter what and to know that you're choosing to live with an eye on the future rather than glancing over your shoulders in fear of the past. 

It's being able to take a step back and remembering all of the good times and all of the good things that he has done rather than focusing on only one bad thing.  This does not happen overnight and if you are still not ready, then you shouldn't push yourself.  But, if you suspect that you are ready and if he has given you what you need to move on, then don't feel guilty about forgiveness.  No one in this world is perfect and you are doing it more for yourself than you are for him.