We have all been witness to that screaming toddler in the store, or the airplane and thinking why doesn't that parent just calm that child. What happens when that child is yours and how can we handle this normal occurrence with sensitivity? One way is to practice attachment parenting. Infants and toddlers who are held often and whose cues are sensitively responded to are more calm, and less prone to tantrum outbursts. Attached parents can read their child's cues and naturally create conditions to minimize emotional outbursts. Children of attached parents tend to ride it out without drastic tantrums and tend to recover more quickly when they do happen as compared to their non attached peers. Practicing as many attachment parenting techniques as you can is one way to deal with tantrum behavior.
Another way is to identify the triggers. A young child may be more prone to tantrums when they want something they cannot have or when you are unavailable or engaged in something else. Start to curb the behavior before it happens by seeing the behavior and dealing with it before it escalates. When your little one starts whining and grabbing it may be the first stage of that unwanted tantrum. Try to redirect and calm the child before they get more upset. Keep a record of things that trigger tantrums as well so that frustrations can be kept to a minimum. Knowing when to strike balance it also important. Remember sometimes we need to let the little one work through their frustrations in order for them to understand their world. Do not take it personally, help the child by verbalizing the situation as well as trying techniques such as holding therapy. Extended breast-feeding is also a great way to calm a frustrated toddler. A short nursing session can often calm a troubled toddler just enough to get them through it and on to better things.
Avoid being forceful and do not engage in anger back and forth. You are the adult. One great way to tame a tantrum is to simply not feed the negative behavior. Ignore it unless your child is in pain or troubling situation. When they simply cannot have their way and throw a fit, ignore it, redirect and move on quickly. Often times a struggle of the wills escalates negative behaviors. Choose your battles and don't sweat the small stuff. Knowing when to walk away sends a clear message about acceptable and non acceptable behaviors.
Remember your little one is growing faster than they can verbally communicate. Often a tantrum may stem from the frustration of not being understood. Try to be as sensitive as possible to your child's language. Help them learn signs for simple things and do everything possible to create a safe loving way to communicate with each other.
Hormone based responses cause toddler tantrums. Physiologically, they are responding to distress and are unable to control the tantrum without help. They anticipate something and if that is denied a tantrum could ensue. Denial equates loss and pain in the toddlers brain. Distinguishing between want and need is a high level functioning that they just do not posses. This is where all the attached parenting techniques come to play, holding, consoling and being close to the caregivers body primes them to respond positively. The perceived loss and pain is now a time for recovering and seeing the world is safe and you are there to make it better. These techniques calm and settle by releasing hormones in the brain that do just that. The love hormones instantly can help to sooth and erase the tantrum. Even if you must leave your child with another caregiver, these techniques can still be used. There will come a time you must leave your child with someone else. Be very clear with your alternate caregiver how you respond to negative behaviors so they can address them in a similar way. Choose someone who is family or like family whenever possible.
Harsh discipline, avoidance and time outs are not in accordance with the attachment parenting model. Even if you practice other parenting styles, remember with a toddler parents should act with compassion and love. To respond with anger escalates anxiety and can worsen the underlying problem. Reacting lovingly will eliminate or ease the tantrum and also address the underlying issues of why they are happening.
Tantrums are a normal part of growing up for little ones. If you find the behavior to be happening repeatedly and cannot find an underlying reason for them you may want to address it with your pediatrician to make sure it is not stemming from a medical condition. Autism, anxiety, sleep disorders and brain injury can be a consideration for children prone frequent tantrums.
Above all stay cool and calm. We are the people our children look to as models of behavior. If you are experiencing severe stress and anxiety, your child is sure to pick up on that. Keep your support system close at hand and give your self the same loving kindness your child needs. First care for your self and then you are able to be the loving role model your child and family needs to get through the rough spots.
About this Author
Kathryn Fiore is a mom actively practicing Attachment Parenting. Kathryn has a BS in Early Childhood Education and holds certifications in Primary Education and Yoga/Body Rolling. Kathryn combines her life experiences in the fields of education, parenting, and Healing Arts to empower others to be conscious and create a better world for the youth of today. Kathryn also works with international music recording artists to help raise money for environmental awareness and youth outreach programs
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