How Your Parenting Style Creates Conflicts With Your Children

Blame and judgment - how to stop feeling victimized by our children

Playing the victim. It is something that most of us, if not all of us, have learned to do; we blame others for our unhappiness, for how we are feeling. We are unhappy because of what others have done to us.

Playing the victim also means that we are indulging in self-pity, feeling sorry for ourselves. We may feel helpless that we are not in control of our destiny - we do not create the circumstances of our lives, others do. We give up a portion or all of our free will. It does not matter what we do; ultimately it is what others do. How do we know what others do? Well, we judge them; we determine if their actions are good or bad, hurtful or loving, indifferent or caring. When we do this, we become reactive, hurt, and angry, sending ourselves on endless loops of judgment, blame, and anger. These loops, most often a product of our inner dialogue - that little voice that chatters away all day in our head - create an expanding cycle of anger and frustration that distance us from our ability to be loving and to make loving decisions.

If we are to become self-responsible, then our first choice, our first tool, should be to not judge and blame others. This applies significantly to our children. If we are angry at or resentful of our children, then we are judging and blaming them; we are playing the victim.

Determining what works and doesn't work in our lives is one thing. It is an evaluation independent of hurtful feelings. Disapproving of others and feeling that we have been wronged is another. Our children are evolving, expressing, learning, experimenting, growing, and trying to be independent. In effect, they're trying out behaviors. They're seeing what works and doesn't work. Or perhaps, they're reflecting back to us what they have received; they may have been judged and blamed, so in turn they judge and blame, becoming angry and rebellious.

Often, if we feel our children (or others) are angry at us, resisting our desires for them, not cooperating, breaking rules, or exhibiting any form of rebellious behavior, we may personalize their behavior. When we personalize their behavior we become offended by their actions. We may ask ourselves questions like, "Why are they doing this to me? Why do they want to hurt me? What could I have possibly done to deserve this? Why are they so ungrateful after all I have done for them?" Again, we are playing the victim.

Although this may be hard to believe, our children are never reacting to us personally. They are only reacting to what we represent. In fact, they would be reacting the same way to anyone else who represents what we represent. Perhaps we represent control to children who seek freedom in the moment. Those children may seek freedom in the moment because they are biologically programmed to assert their independence in the world in order to express themselves and discover who they are and what they want to be. If we understand this resistance to us as a natural occurrence between two individuals seeking expression in the world, this understanding can then transform our response. We don't have to take their actions personally. We don't have to feel unloved. We don't have to feel they are "doing it to us." We can see the situation in a detached way for what it is, a momentary conflict of free individuals. Freeing ourselves from feelings of hurt allows us to focus our energies on resolving the conflict, looking instead for solutions. We become empowered in the moment to step outside ourselves and become instruments of positive change and love.

Paul Zucker, Author of "Loving Our Children, Loving Ourselves"

Learn more about Paul Zucker and how to create a more peaceful and conflict free home here:

http://hubpages.com/hub/PaulZucker