"...At home we were most often still responsible for the majority of the housework and childcare. Added to that was now our responsibility as (partial) breadwinners..."
After our children came, and then turned 2 years old and 4 years old respectively, I began working full-time. At the same time, my husband and I decided that he would become their primary caregiver instead of having to entrust them full-time outside care. Remember: this is the mid-80's. While I had several role models when it came to women in the workforce, filling out and accepting the role of a stay-at-home dad was totally new territory for both of us. Pretty much from one day to the next my husband found himself in charge of not only the daily well-being of our children; he was also responsible for the majority of the household chores, including cooking.

Or at least he should have been.

Because of both external and internal pressures I still felt ultimately responsible for what went on at home. It didn't matter that my boss expected 150% from me at the office. I felt as though it was a black mark on my reputation as a mother (and the Germans have that terrifying term - "Rabenmutter" - to describe any woman who willfully and supposedly egoistically neglects or delegates her maternal duties), if the children were at the playground in ice-cream smeared t-shirts. And wasn't I doomed as a wife if we got a failing grade on the informal report card given out by neighbors and friends, because there was dust on the living room window sills for all the world to see?

This left my husband and I attempting a decidedly ungraceful waltz as I retained the de facto responsibility for everything at home, while he found himself relegated to the frustrating position of simple executor. I felt I needed to be the one to decide how clean was really clean where our home was concerned, as well as most of the rules concerning our children's upbringing. Faced with external skepticism at his rôle, he also felt undermined and demotivated by my constant meddling and wheedling.

This went on for some time, and - as you can imagine - didn't exactly help the balance and harmony in our relationship.

It wasn't until I was almost at the point of throwing in the proverbial towel - any and every towel, believe me! - that I was forced to make a conscious decision to only be responsible for that which I was truly responsible. Does it mean I didn't care about my kid's welfare any longer? No. It just meant that I forced myself to trust my husband, and let him take the lead where their day-to-day lives were concerned. When he needed my opinion or support he asked for it, knowing that I would always be available. Does it mean I no longer cared about what our home looked like? No. But it does mean that I no longer felt it necessary for me to be the Laundry Lieutenant, the Kitchen Colonel and the Dust Deputy all rolled into one.

Yes, things were often chaotic - or sometimes even downright messy - in our house more often than I care to admit, but the atmosphere in our home became more relaxing and welcoming for everyone involved - including me!