He isn't going to change. It is very unlikely that he is going to change the behavior which annoys you so much. If you bug him about it a lot, he is even less likely to be willing to change. That's the bad news. The good news is that you can change.

Now I'm not saying that you are more flexible than he is, though that may be true. I'm saying that when we are bothered or upset by what someone else does, we have choices about how we handle our own emotions.

First, the Bad News

He won't change that habit you dislike, just because you want him to. He won't lose weight, start working out, cut down on his drinking, or look harder for a job just because you think he should. He is certainly capable of changing, but it's going to be in his own way and in his own good time. It may simply be that he is moving toward changes but you can't see the tiny steps.

Second, the Good News

You can change. You can practice being more accepting of who he is. You can work at recognizing that ultimately we each have to live our own lives.

I've found that when I'm upset about something my boyfriend is doing, there is fear behind my judgement. For example, if he won't lose weight, I might be afraid of any number of things:

• That he will be less attractive to me
• That people will think less of me because I have a heavy boyfriend
• That his health will suffer
• That we are spending too much money on junk food
• That I will let myself go and eat too much also

Should You Leave the Relationship Over This?

Maybe the issue is so serious that you should leave him. If he's abusing you, this could certainly be the case. For milder problems, you might want to try couples therapy or talking it over with friends. Just keep in mind that this is one option, no matter how unpleasant or difficult.

What About You?

Relationships are two-way streets, of course. There may be things in you that bother him that you are unlikely to change. If you think about that, you may notice that you think he is being silly to care so much about how the bathroom looks like a tornado hit it after you get ready for work. There may be something you know he would like you to change that you feel discouraged or frustrated about. You don't know how to change it and the last thing you want is anyone pressuring you.

Look for things like this and you will remember that for all of us, change can be a challenge. Some patience and kindness will go a long way.