Grief Transformation - How to Open to Feelings of Grief

Grief surfaces at predictable and unpredictable times. Revisiting the same feelings is normal. Learning how to respect the feelings when they appear and creating the time and space to feel is important.

I had an unexpected moment of grieving remembering the death of my son, Cooper. It was June 12th and would have been my son's 17th birthday. He had died 15 years earlier from a 4th stage neuro-blastoma cancer at the age of 19 months.

Our family acknowledged his birthday every year. We would bake a cake, look at his photo album, talk about his laugh, and prepare a feast of his favorite foods. On his 17th birthday, I woke up with a huge pain in my heart. I woke up remembering the day we decided to turn off the life support.

In 19 months, Cooper had two open-heart surgeries, a shunt for hydrocephalus and a hernia operation. In the last few days of his life, he had been diagnosed with cancer and had slipped into a coma from the pressure of the tumor. With about 20 doctors in the room sitting in a conference room around a table, my husband asked one of the doctors what he would do if it were his son. He said, "I would ask myself how many hits does a kid need to take?" We knew in that moment that we were ready to let him go. My husband and I spent the next 24 hours talking with each other at Cooper's bedside. We asked each other what we needed to do to feel complete. Many friends came by the ICU to say goodbye.

On this morning, almost 15 years later, I cleared my schedule and gave myself time to feel the feelings without any judgment or the need to uncover why I was feeling this pain. The grief had reappeared as if Cooper had died yesterday.

I have included a list of things I do to support a safe environment to embrace the emotion when it appears for more healing.

1. Create an environment to open your heart

a. Play music that touches your heart. Perhaps Love by John Denver; I Hope You Dance by Lee Ann Womack; and I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing by Aerosmith are some of my favorites.
b. Create art. Simple exercises like coloring or drawing shapes with colored pencils on paper can help the feelings surface.
c. Read poetry
d. Look at pictures

2. Identify the feelings

a. Close your eyes and connect with your heart
b. Ask yourself questions
i. What wants to be healed
ii. What are you feeling
c. Wait patiently for the answers

3. Explore the feelings by journaling

a. Write down the feelings or a memory
b. E-mail a letter to a friend
c. Write a letter to your deceased loved one

4. Sink into the emotion

a. Cry
b. Laugh
c. Shout, stomp, pound a pillow

5. Do something physical to release it from your body

a. Dance, exercise
b. Walk, run, swim

6. Feel gratitude to yourself for honoring your feelings

7. Be gentle with yourself and know that your heart is expanding to experience more love.

8. Repeat the steps to feel, heal and release.

The richness in life is our ability to love with depth. Grief is the path that will deepen the love and connect you to the Oneness of all life. I end this article with some of the words from a beautiful song by the Beatles.

In My Life by The Beatles

There are places I'll remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain

All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life, I've loved them all

Author: Andrea Hylen is a Grief Transformation Guide, Minister of Spiritual Peacemaking, a facilitator for people in the ministry program, an Inspiration Coach, and co-author of Conscious Choices: An Evolutionary Woman's Guide to Life. Her next book, Open to Inspiration: The summer a woman discovered herself with a teenage daughter and the Jonas Brothers on a 10,000 mile road trip will be published in 2011. Her greatest desire is to inspire people to live a deeper, richer life. http://www.opentoinspiration.com
http://www.calltoinspiration.blogspot.com