It is impossible to be alive without an exchange with the environment - breathing air, eating, exchanging with people. This creates a bond. If the give and take is sufficiently matched in the eyes of the givers and receivers, then the bond is on equal terms. If either party so wishes in these circumstances, it is possibly to make a clean break. However, when there is imbalance then the two participants stay connected. Our sensitivity to give and take prompts us to act, even if it is only with words. Sometimes actions may be positive while on other occasions they can be negative.

So what are the consequences of this exchange of give and take?

1. We feel entitled when we give and indebted to the giver when we take: we try to overcome the indebtedness by giving something back, be it positive or negative.

2. Each person has their own calibration for giving and receiving: for instance, a friend of mine needed to pay their share of petrol costs even though the car driver had no need for it to happen. Fortunately the car driver recognised the need to balance the exchange and accepted the money graciously.

3. Some people, consciously and/or unconsciously, use this bond to gain superiority over others:

- By minimizing involvement with life: this is a form of denying their needs. They perceive themselves free from need and obligation. Often they consider themselves to be superior or special because they keep themselves clean from giving and receiving.

- By generally giving more than receiving: another way of denying their needs. And quite often the help they give can be unnecessary and keeps the taker in a dependent state. A powerful position to hold over someone.

4. Between intimate partners, it is typical to give a bit more each time: so there is a dynamic imbalance, with an increasing positive volume of giving and taking. Or, if negative giving and receiving, a downhill spiral. This would eventually damage the relationship. One person has to break the cycle of hurt if they wish to have an enjoyable future together.

5. In some circumstances, discrepancy between giver and taker is insurmountable: for example, between parents and children, between teachers and students, between carers and seriously ill/dying. Of course parents and teachers receive from children and students respectively. This reduces the discrepancy, rather than eliminates it. However, parents were once children and teachers were students. Balance is achieved through giving to the next generation what they gained from the earlier generation.

The seriously ill or dying can achieve enough balance with family carers through expressing genuine gratitude. In 'Love's Hidden Symmetry' Bert Hellinger (page 17) said it was like the taker saying "you give without regard as to whether or not I can repay, and I take your gift with love". We affirm not only what we give to one another, but also what we are for one another.

And how can you use this knowledge?

Here are some ideas:

1. Acknowledge truthfully what the situation is: for instance, in a break-up (be it redundancy or a personal relationship) this increases the chance of people experiencing a clean finish. They can start afresh rather than continue to hang on with a grievance.

2. Ensure what you are 'paid' is in balance with what you supply: getting payment right for the individual and the organisation is so important. If not, attempts will be made, consciously and/or unconsciously, to get the balance right. For instance, if underpaid a person may take advantage of the organization's paper for personal use or not give of their best. An organization maybe unreasonably strict about working times. If overpaid a person may waste money or make mistakes with money

3. Giving and receiving thank you's and compliments: these are of equal importance. So when someone gives you a compliment, just say 'thank you'. And when someone does something for you say 'thank you'. Even the everyday things like making you a cup of tea. This ensures you truly appreciate the gift, rather than take it for granted. And potentially cause an imbalance.

4. Be aware of people who are using give and take to gain feelings of superiority: you may not be able to change them. However, you can change how you respond to them e.g. no longer feel in debt to them.