Just as a preface I'd like to say that I don't tend to share many personal stories as I consider it selfish to talk about Myself when the person to be considered most is the reader.
When dealing with topics such as grief and loss though I find it a soothing method to share first and offer advice later. As the saying goes 'pain shared is pain lessened'.
When I was 11 My father died under less than normal circumstances. It was a rainy Wednesday afternoon and it had been arranged that I'd spend the night at one of my closest friend's house. This was going to be the first sleep over I'd ever been on and needless to say I was as excited as a puppy with a treat. Going to see my dad before I left I noticed that he was looking less than well. I asked him if he was going to be alright and in his comforting fatherly manner he said he would. Hearing him hacking coughs as I left I was slightly worried but the wave of excitement took me as I entered the car and I promptly forgot the issue.
The next day my mother arrived to pick me up early which was something I thought nothing of but when I saw her state when I entered the car it was clear that something was wrong. My father was in the hospital in the intensive care unit.
It made no sense, how could he be in intensive care? I saw him just yesterday and even though he was coughing how could a cough put a person in the i.c.u? With no answers to these questions night fell and we went to see him.
The intensive care unit as anybody knows who's been there is a far from a pleasant place. There lay my father with tubes coming out of him in ways I could barely comprehend. His skin seemed to have taken on a pale veneer and his eyes were barely slits on his hanging face. After a prayer and a few words my mother and I left. I remember him saying that he would be 'coming home' but when we left that day I knew it was the last time I would see him alive. A week later he died.
When I got the news I didn't even cry a tear, instead I buried my grief under an act of 'strength'. This grief though began to manifest years later after blending with my insecurities as an addiction to alcohol. Because my father drank somehow my mind linked drinking with him. This led Me to subconsciously link drinking with thoughts of him that I needed.
The effects of my drinking were as expected. After a while I realized something had to be done.
How I was able to finally let go was by saying out loud in private all the things that I wanted to say to my dad. I had never honestly told him I loved him so I said 'I love you dad, I'm sorry I didn't say it when You were around but I do.'
I was angry about certain things he did while he was alive so I said 'for all those things you did which I hated you for I forgive you, I forgive you because I now know you were just a man doing the best he could. No man can be perfect and neither were you.' I said every little thing that I needed to say and after that I was free.
I do not know if this method will work for you but I find that it has for a few people who I know simply because it 'gets things off your chest' in a 'physical' manner. Just saying the things in your mind won't help, you have to express them vocally with true emotion to be truly set free.
Thank You for reading and I wish you all the peace you desire.
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