The economic challenges of 2009 have forced many people to live with friends or relatives who might not otherwise have dreamed of living in community. Others are sure to follow, if only to share expenses and pull together through hard times. It would be well to know the pros and cons of living in any kind of group, whether family or chosen.

Any study of history and anthropology will show that people once lived almost exclusively in tribal units. In Elizabeth Marshall Thomas's novel Reindeer Moon a tribal elder says, "Give me two hands and I can get us through the winter." He shows both hands twice, twenty. It took about twenty people to survive the winter-hunters, of course, and also those who cooked and knew herbal remedies for winter ills. Any smaller group was at much greater risk.

We should ask how we in most "modern" cultures came to live in households of only one or two adults and their children. Tracing back the history of European arrival on the east coast of the United States, we find that even the early settlers lived in separate family units. When a young couple married, the community gathered to build them a house. They did not add wings to the parental home as happens in other cultures. The loosening of community was gradual. There was enough "community" to gather and build the house, just as there were barn raisings and corn husking bees. Without this support, many would have perished. Still, as the industrial age advanced, community receded. Bottles replaced wet nurses. Contractors replaced the village turnout to put up a barn.

But was it only the advance of technology? That seems unlikely, since the same technology could have been engaged to further more community, not less. There seems to be another factor at work here. Anyone who has spent time in a variety of homes has observed this factor still at work today: some of us are darned hard to live with. People dramatize anger, fear, grief, and discouragement. They throw these dramas straight at their mates and children and anyone handy. Who would stay?

When you hear regrets expressed about the divorce rate and how hard it is on children, keep in mind that Europeans have been splitting up for centuries- villages sacked, fathers driving sons away by demanding unearned respect, mothers fussing instead of allowing children to learn self-control, teens going off to sea. The marriage is last on a long chain of split ups.

To live successfully with even one other person requires restraint, patience, a willingness to listen and to speak peacefully. More people require more restraint, more patience, and more communication. The tribe in Thomas's story had all of these plus other needed qualities, such as competence and a willingness to take responsibility.

If you are living with others, whether by choice or because of economic duress, be sure to communicate levelly and plentifully. Assess your group for competence and relationship skills. And find a way to improve any of these skills as needed.  It is not a bad thing to be pushed toward a stronger relationship toward life and people.