Is She Too Strong? Too Pushy?

Instead of a lawsuit, I say shine a spotlight on double standards in the workplace. People will decide what's not acceptable behavior. Public opinion brings rapid change, and that's what I anticipate. -Nancy Clark

In the Harvard Business Review, Nancy Nichols writes, "Women who attempt to fit themselves into a managerial role by acting like men . . . are forced to behave in a sexually dissonant way. They risk being characterized as 'too aggressive,' or worse, just plain 'bitchy.' Yet women who act like ladies, speaking indirectly and showing concern for others, risk being seen as 'ineffective.'"

Women have been caught in a double bind. We're not part of the #1 team in business-the men's team. That's the situation we have today. Let's not bemoan it-that won't give us progress. Let's analyze it and see where we can carve away a few more steps. Kathleen Hall Jamieson tells us, "Binds draw their power from their capacity to simplify complexity.

Faced with a complicated situation or behavior, the human tendency is to split apart and dichotomize its elements. So we contrast good and bad, strong and weak, for and against, true and false, and in so doing assume that a person can't be both at once-or somewhere in between. Such distinctions are often useful. But when this tendency drives us to see life's options or the choices available to women as polarities and irreconcilable opposites, those differences become troublesome." Jamieson points out that over the years women have found new options to exercise, so don't think of yourself as permanently shackled. She states, "Put simply, over time women have learned to turn potatoes into vichyssoise."

When I'm asked about this problem, I say, "When you see double standards for men and women in action, all you need to do is bring attention to the matter-without anger. Most people will make their own judgment that this is unfair treatment. Those who don't are not ready to change-this week."

I don't promote more laws and more lawsuits as the best way to proceed. Public opinion is ready to change en masse. Instead of a lawsuit, put a spotlight on double standards. Let people decide if this is acceptable behavior. Today we're seeing that fathers and mothers are worried about sending their daughters out into a workplace that will disappoint them, year after year, with inequities.

Debra Meyerson of Stanford University tells us that if you want to make an effort to change the use of double standards, you have to speak up. For instance, "Jack and Mary both have clients who like them. Jack is arrogant and all you do is laugh about it. But Mary is not nearly as arrogant, yet you criticize her when she does any self-promoting. Why does he get higher marks at promotion time? Doesn't this look like we're using double standards? Is this fair?"

Tip: Over the next week, look for instances of double standards being used for men and women in your workplace. Point out the problem without anger if possible. It's very likely you can enlist a man to second this opinion. Honest, they're out there ready to help! Take a look at WomensMedia for new tips each week!

Further Reading

Blog, Women's Lunch Talk, by Nancy Clark, Gender Communication: Nature Or Nurture? -Why Do We Have Mars-Venus Communication? And Why Is Mars More Powerful?

Website, WomensMedia, by Debra Meyerson, Gender in Business-Speak Up About Double Standards

Podcast (always less than 10 minutes), Working in Heels, by Nancy Clark, Gender Communication: Nature Or Nurture? -Why Do We Have Mars-Venus Communication, And Why Is Mars More Powerful?

Article, Nancy A. Nichols, "Whatever Happened to Rosie the Riveter?" Harvard Business Review.

Book, Kathleen Hall Jamieson, Beyond the Double Bind, Oxford University Press.