It is hard to accept divorce at first. It is hard to believe that it all came to this, that we couldn't make it work, that the love we once shared died somewhere along the way. It's hard to understand how this life, that we just devoted our entire adult lives to, is gone. It's hard to believe that the person we trusted and loved had another agenda, or even another life, going on behind our backs.

In Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' book, On Death and Dying, she describes the stages of a person facing death: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Anyone in the divorce process will find these stages feeling very familiar. The love bond, the relationships to the in-laws, kids and friends, the home, family traditions, shared memories and the rhythm of our days have all spiraled downward into a a dramatic, drawn-out and painful demise.

Often, our first reaction is denial. One might think "Surely he is just in a bad mood and using the "D" word to scare me" or "She's not going anywhere, she can't survive without me" or "Oh, this will blow over like everything else". But when we wake up to the fact that this is real, that we are indeed facing divorce, anger takes its place.

We rage and shout at the broken promises. We feel shocked and defensive that our spouses don't want us anymore.

We feel tricked that they want to break the wedding vows. We may even grow violent if there are extramarital affairs involved. The anger is explosive and consuming. The frustration and lack of control makes us feel like we could burst at the seams with rage. The anger is blinding and feels as if it has no end. This is because the anger is our pain being expressed outwardly, and there is a lot of pain being generated as we hear the truth come out. The more the story unfolds, the more anger there is. It spills over into our relationships and jobs, robs us of sleep and peace.

At some point we have to realize that all the anger in the world isn't going to make our spouses love us again, it is not going to stop the divorce, nor is it helping address or heal any of the issues. It is simply a tirade of pain being directed at everything from a door that is stuck to the barking dog next door. Anger can't change the past or the future, and is making the present really miserable. We can't live like this forever; there is no peace, no joy, no quality of life, and we feel as if we may be going crazy. At some point we have to put down the sword of injustice and try something else.

In desperation, we bargain. We ask our spouse to stay "if"...we get a new job, quit smoking, stop driving fast, get up an hour earlier, talk less or more or in another language, like his friends, never talk to your mother again, have more sex, lose 30 pounds, etc, etc, etc. We go through lists of ways we could make it work if only we had the right combination. If only we could find the one reason we are being left, we could change that! But alas, bargaining isn't powerful enough to change the momentum of divorce.

We have no control over the actions of someone else. The only thing we have control over is our own thoughts. When that becomes clear, the path to letting go of control begins. Reluctantly, slowly, and with great sadness, we being to see the truth: our marriage is over. The knot in our throats chokes off free-flowing breath, making our chests tight in its grip. The tears flow without thought or provocation, they just stream down our faces for hours at a time until we collapse from exhaustion. They wait until we awake and attack us again. Morning becomes a dreaded visitor, for we must live one more day in this nightmare. We wonder if our hearts can hold the pain of this tragic ending without bursting. We begin to slip into the arms of depression. We forget about hygiene or food or sleep. We stumble through the day in a dense gray fog, moving from one thing to another at the direction of those around us who have taken over our lives: the lawyer, our employers, friends and family who remind us to take showers and eat. The most basic functions seem like insurmountable efforts that take every ounce of energy to accomplish.

Divorce is a terrible and destructive force for everyone, it is for you, and it is for your ex. It is for the kids, the extended families and for our friends. No one wants divorce. The path to divorce is usually a long series of small awareness that things aren't right anymore. Sometimes its the little things that turn into big things. Sometimes it the little things that just add up. Sometimes we just change and outgrow each other. For every couple, there is a different set of circumstances for the ending of their marriage. There really is no room to blame or point fingers. Divorce happens, and it is happening to us, and that is what we have to accept.

Fighting the events of the divorce, holding on to anger, blaming our exes without accepting any blame ourselves, is like swimming against a current. We grow exhausted from the physical and mental struggle we are spending trying to control the events of the divorce, or our exes. Eventually, we lose control and falter, getting thrown into frustration and disappointment or getting stuck in personal eddies of old emotional traumas. When we stop trying to control the outcome of divorce, when we turn and flow with the river, we can begin to accept where the energy is taking us.

When we are in that flow, there is a tremendous relief and peace that we begin to recognize. In the long run, we can deal with the truth far better than we can deal with deception, especially to ourselves. When we accept truth, we are in a place of power. Our inner power is where our courage, wisdom, balance and innate intelligence lies. We begin to realize that, indeed, we will get through this.

Acceptance is that place of unfolding our fists, letting go of the resistance and being in a place of stillness.

Acceptance is not passive, or losing, giving up or selling out. Acceptance is a place of truth and presence, and that is a wonderful place to be. In divorce, it is a pivotal point on the path of healing. Acceptance allows us to turn our energies from focusing on the the past and destruction, and slowly begin to envision our new life, day by day, moment by moment. Acceptance is going with the flow of the river.

When we learn to allow the currents of our hearts to guide us; if we remain aware that this is all just part of the journey, it will lead us deeper inside our own hearts. That is where we will find home