Break up and divorce. Both are painful and difficult. Both partners put all that they had into the relationship, and then it's over. Whatever the reasons are for the divorce, the parting of ways doesn't have to be hateful and bitter. A breakup hurts everyone, not just the two people in the relationship. Friends, relatives, and even acquaintances have feelings about your separation, but children are the ones that suffer the most pain.

One of the worst things that you can do as a divorced parent is to verbally bash your former spouse to your kids. When a separation takes place, children have their own perceptions of what has occurred, and a perception of both parents. They have a lot of emotions going on, and a lot of confusion. Whatever your former spouse's faults and shortcomings were or currently are, remember that your kids aren't the source of those inadequacies. Why cause them more anguish in addition to the hurt they already have?

Kids of all ages feel the pain of a parental breakup. During an interview with Melissa Wooldridge,* she recalled that when her parents finally divorced after being separated for six years, it was a relief for eighteen year-old Melissa and her sixteen and twenty-six year-old siblings. Her parents had fought ferociously for as long as she could remember. Through their childhood and teenage years, her mother consistently said derogatory and ugly things to Melissa and her brothers about their father. Their dad said some critical things about their mother, but his verbal beating wasn't as disparaging as their mother's. The steady verbal butchering that their parents did to each other eventually wore heavily on the kids. In time, and prior to his passing, Melissa and her brothers got to know their father as the good person that he actually was. Their father's insulting comments were out of worry about their mother's alcohol addiction. Their mother passed away five months before Melissa's nineteenth birthday, but because her mother vented her bitterness so violently again and again, Melissa doesn't have many good memories of her. At the age of forty-seven, Melissa still feels the pain of her parent's bitter breakup. She still has doubts about herself, and she has issues with trust and self-worth. Her oldest brother felt that he could never measure up and not disappoint his parents. At the age of 29, he began drinking heavily and was murdered in a drinking establishment during an argument with a friend. Her younger brother who is 45, is withdrawn and has become a somewhat of a loner.

It can be very tempting to vent your hurt and anger at your former spouse to your children. Resist the temptation and find a way to express it to other adults or to a support group for divorced people. Voicing destructive comments about the other parent in the presence of your children is very harsh, and it tears down their confidence and self esteem. Most children love both parents, and they should not be coerced into loving one parent or the other. Actions of this kind almost always backfire, leaving a trail of deep emotional pain. No matter what happens between you and your former spouse, your kids should be encouraged to love and respect both parents without fear of hurting either one.

Many parents aren't aware of the kind of damage that they do to their children by openly and brutally verbalizing their anger against each other. A well adjusted child will be reduced to being fearful and withdrawn. Some children repeat their parent's behavior with their friends, or as adults they repeat it when going through their own divorce. Others are unable to have happy and fulfilling relationships of any kind with anyone, because the deep and disconcerting injuries that their parents inflicted on them made them doubt themselves as worthwhile and deserving people. Trust is an issue. They sometimes become dysfunctional.

The ages of the children are irrelevant. Kids are people too - very important people. Their lives are based on being free to love both parents without repercussion. If you are going through a divorce and value your children's emotional well being, don't take that choice away from them.

*name changed at the request of interviewee to protect her privacy.

© Copyright 2007 Patti McMann. All rights reserved.