Dialogue About Feelings and Values

One way to encourage good dialogue is to listen well and draw out the other person through paraphrasing. As I have written in another article, you need to paraphrase the content of the speaker in order to make sure that you have gotten it right.

Now I recommend that you sometimes also paraphrase the speaker's feelings. If they express feelings, it is easy to paraphrase them back. Suppose the speaker says, "I am annoyed at John for being so late to our meeting." You can reply, "Yes, that must be annoying for you." Now you can take this paraphrasing one step further when the speaker only implies feelings. Suppose the speaker says, "It is awfully inconvenient for us to have to wait on John to start this meeting." You might reply, "It sounds like you may be annoyed at his lateness, right?"

Notice, when you step out with a guess for a paraphrase, it is important to end your paraphrase with a question. In that last sentence, it becomes a question when the word, "right" is added and the voice inflection goes up.

I also recommend that you sometimes paraphrase the speaker's underlying values. In the above situation you might add, "Being on time is important for you, isn't it?" The value of timeliness has been implied in the speaker's comments. You can paraphrase it back and end with a question.

Another example of paraphrasing values might occur if a colleague of yours was complaining about her boss micro-managing her. You might paraphrase back your guess at what she values by asking, "It sounds like what you really want is your independence, to do things your own way. Is that right?"

Doing the above is part of being emotionally intelligent. It includes the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes and guess their feelings and values. When you express them well with a question at the end, you are perceived as having empathy. The speaker will feel that you are in tune with them. Empathy is a hallmark of emotional intelligence.

When you do this type of paraphrasing correctly, it is a marvelous way of connecting. The speaker feels heard at a deeper level than usual. Rapport is greater and the two of you will probably work together more effectively.

Copyright 2010, by William R. Murray, President of Eagle Alliance Executive Coaching, LLC. Reprint rights granted to all venues so long as this article and by-line are printed intact with all links made live.

William R. Murray, MBA (Harvard), M.Div. (Yale), Master Certified Coach, is the founder of Eagle Alliance Executive Coaching, LLC in 1993, http://www.EagleAlliance.com offering Virtual Workshops, Self-Study Programs, Leadership Coaching.