Conventional Wisdom - How to Decide for Ourselves What's Best for Our Children

We often know what is contemporary, what is cultural. This knowledge is contemporary because it is of our generation. It is cultural because it is a product of the society we live in. When knowledge that is contemporary and cultural reaches a consensus among a group or groups, it often becomes conventional and convenient; it is standardized information that we accept without much evaluation because it is embraced by our peers and/or easily available to explain our lives and conflicts. When we choose our knowledge based on what is convenient, what is easy, we are not being authentic; we are deferring our own truths, our own choices to a group consensus. Again, we are dependent not independent because we are letting others decide for us by our tacit acceptance of group consensus. In our desire to conform - to feel right because others feel the same way - we give up our freedom. When we give up our freedom, we give up making our choices and subsequently developing our own truths and wisdom.

A society is made up of individuals who often align themselves in groups. In the conformity of the group we feel some comfort; there is a sharing of beliefs and a validation of each other. This is not inherently negative. However, within the group there should be encouragement of individual expression. As individuals express themselves within the group, a synergy is created that allows the group to evolve. Within this synergy are the dynamics for both individual and group evolution; both the individual and the group are served. However, without individual expression within a group, the group becomes static and intolerant. Intolerance suppresses rather than encourages independence and the development of wisdom.

Perhaps as parents we need to review the groups we belong to. We need to review these groups because they affect our parenting style, our viewpoints and beliefs. We need to ask if these groups are rigid and dogmatic. Do we accept the viewpoints of the group without our own evaluation? Do we defer our own ability to think for ourselves to the opinions of the group? In our desire to belong, to feel comfortable, to experience certainty, do we conform and give up our individual freedom?

We may not even feel we belong to a specific group. However, within a society there may be group thinking without a sense of belonging to a specific group. For example, as parents we may believe in an authoritarian or permissive parenting style, or in a variation in between. There is often a group consensus as to the meaning of certain parenting styles and their supporting beliefs. As children, we may have been raised in a particular style, so as parents we embrace this style because its is easy, because it is known. Or perhaps parents gravitate to an opposing style relative to their upbringing because on some level they have rejected their parents or feel anger towards them. Their parenting style would not be a conscious choice if it were merely reactive.

I know that I embraced my own parent's behavior when I found myself displaying it. When I was a child, my father would impose his will, then justify his behavior as part of his parental role, while denouncing my behavior. Not listening, speaking back, or defying my father were the greatest sins of all. Such behavior triggered my father's intense rages, causing me to withdraw into myself, but got the results he desired. I was quiet and obedient, but felt sad and unloved, even though my father was at times expressing love. My father was a great man in many ways and he survived a very difficult childhood himself. I understand now he did what he could under the circumstances. But as a parent, I was repeating his behavior and justifying it in the same way until I came to brief consciousness one day. In that brief moment, I decided I was going to parent my children differently, even though at the time of the decision I did not fully know how that difference would be expressed. I understood though, that I had an opportunity to change what was handed down to me and positively effect the behavior of generations to come.

So through the manner in which we were parented, we may embrace the known or become reactive to the known, abdicating our free will in making our own choices. Often in embracing the known, we also embrace what is conventional, what falls within the groups we associate ourselves with.

As parents, we have to examine our viewpoints on different parenting issues and decide where they came from and consequently if they're worth keeping or amending. As parents, the opportunities to do this occur continuously. For example, they occur in the choices we make in discipline, rewards and punishment, behavior problems, competition, study habits, dress codes, dating, rules, and morality.

A powerful exercise we can do in the moment of decision with our children is to ask the question "Why?" In other words, "Why am I making this decision; what is the logic and basis for this choice?"

For example, we are considering piano lessons for our eight-year old child. The child is ambivalent about it, but we feel that learning an instrument will be good for her; it will give her a sense of discipline and we believe that everyone should know how to play an instrument. But where did this viewpoint come from? Why do we feel this way? Are other families we are friendly with or are in our community giving their children piano lessons so we feel we should also? Where did we get this idea that learning piano imparts discipline - was it something we heard from someone else? What does discipline mean anyway, and why does it help a child? Why does everyone need to learn an instrument - where did we learn that? Is it because other children in our group or community are playing an instrument, so if our children don't we somehow feel wrong? If our children are ambivalent are they going to direct their energies in a productive way? Are they perhaps not quite ready to play an instrument? Or do they have other interests that they feel more passionately about? Have they displayed a talent or interest in art, dance, sports, or some other hobby? If so, why wouldn't we as parents encourage lessons or participation in these areas instead? Back to the beginning, why must everyone play an instrument? Shouldn't everyone apply their talents and energies where they are most interested? Wouldn't these talents have the most opportunity to be cultivated and expressed where there is self-motivation and passion? Isn't discipline a product of the self-motivated individual passionately pursuing an objective, a goal?

Conventional wisdom would tell us that discipline is something we learn through our application to a task despite the fact that we do not like it. We do it because we know that in the long run it will be good for us. If we search our hearts and our experiences, we know that rarely works. We all know we have resisted tasks that bored us; that no one could make us do something for very long that we didn't like. Whenever we have applied ourselves to a task for an extended period of time, it was because we wanted to.

I find it interesting when I hear someone say, "Well I didn't want to take piano lessons, and I didn't really enjoy it, but now as an adult I'm glad I did." Perhaps they learned something and enjoyed playing on some level. My question in response though is, what did you give up to do it? What could you have been or done if you had chosen freely, relative to your talents and interests? Perhaps if you had waited a couple of years and decided on your own you wanted to play guitar, and had been passionately motivated, is it possible you might have become a world-class guitarist? Or perhaps if you had channeled your energy into your existing art interest, is it possible you might now be a highly paid graphic artist who loves work and life, instead of a bored financial analyst?

As parents we must continually ask "why?" We must challenge our assumptions, our viewpoints, and determine their root cause. We must determine if our choices are based on conventional thinking. When we identify conventional thinking, we are then free to look for alternatives. We are then free to decide for ourselves and are free to determine what is best for our children. We are then free to determine our own truths, to develop our own wisdom and continue on the path to authenticity.

Paul Zucker, Author of Parenting Book "Loving Our Children, Loving Ourselves - How We Achieve Our Mutual Happiness And Fulfillment"

Learn more about Paul Zucker, parenting styles, being a good parent, and parenting guidelines that work here: Paul Zucker - Top Parenting Books.