When Mark and I were talking about marriage, Mark explained that he was investing a lot into his career and I needed to understand up-front that it took first priority. I was young and proud, and quickly agreed with no idea what I was getting into. I, in turn, warned him that he better be able to handle me or I would walk all over him. He laughed and naively sealed the deal, not realizing what a ride he would have! We laugh about this "contract" now because we both know how wrong it was to put those things above our marriage. I did survive medical school, residency, private practice, and a series of masters programs, but only because I was too stubborn to break a promise. Mark learned to say, "you're right, dear" and selectively pick his battles. Thank goodness we both recognized the hole we were digging for ourselves before it was too late.
Does our misguided approach to marriage strike a cord with you? How do you prioritize career, family, money, and health? Many executives proudly place work and money above family, or their health. After all, if they have a great career and a privileged life, then the family will understand. Right? Not so fast. A great career will likely result in more money and great benefits, but a career will not buy happiness or health. In fact, placing career first is one of the major causes of divorce and stress-related health issues among executives.
Take a moment and ask yourself, which scenario best describes you?
Career as a priority: You work long hours, but everyone at work loves you. Sure your children do not see much of you, but your spouse takes care of them just fine. In fact, between taking care of the children and keeping the house running, your wife does not really have any time for you anyway.
Result: You and your spouse fight over who should be doing what. She begins to hate your job and you begin to hate her nagging. You are distracted and easily irritated at work, and your coworkers hesitate to approach you with matters. All the stress begins affecting your health, too. A divorce seems like the best solution, until you realize a new set of problems. Now your schedule has to work around when you do or do not have the children. The children know they are not your priority and as adults do not put much effort into visiting. You do have a successful career, though, because you work longer than most and have no one to come home to. You hope to find someone and settle down after you retire.
Money as a priority: You work hard to provide for the family, and you do it well. Your wife does not even have to work. When the family needs something, the money is there to buy it. You work long hours, but that is part of the deal. It's a competitive world out there! The family must not mind because they do not complain about spending all that money. After all, you take fun family vacations that most people cannot afford.
Result: No matter what you do, you never get the credit you deserve. Your children do not appreciate what they have and your wife rarely says thank you. The time you have away from work seems to get eaten up with all the things you promised to do earlier. Even family vacation becomes a chore as everyone fights over what to do. Before you know it, the children are grown and seem like strangers. The only time you hear from them is when they need money. Even after college, their careers seem to prevent them from visiting. They did not even make time to see you after the heart attack. Your wife is still by your side, though. She sure is not the woman you married. Where did that woman go?
Marriage/family as a priority: You do not get to spend as much time with your wife and family as you would like, but the time you spend is refreshing. You could not do it without them. Your coworkers are great, too. They have similar values, so you all work together to meet project deadlines without sacrificing family. They are like a second family. It's not always easy, though. There are times when you have to give work more attention than your family. Your family is really great about that, though. They know they are your first priority no matter what.
Result: You used to wonder if you made the right decision turning down that tremendous job offer several years back, but not since you ran into the guy that got the job. He looked aweful! The funny thing though, is that even after turning down some pretty nice jobs, success has followed you. You are more productive and desired as each year passes, and the support of your family has played a part. Every year gets better than the last and you cannot wait for grandchildren to come along. Retirement? Maybe some day, but right now you're having too much fun.
If the last scenario sounded familiar, then congratulations! You are one of a lucky minority. If you related to career or money as a priority, you and your family are missing out on something better. In addition, you are at a higher risk for stress-related health issues. What will it take for you to change your priorities... a near death experience? That's what it took for Richard Hamon, a licensed therapist who rediscovered his marriage while lying in a hospital bed. "I can tell you this with absolute certainty: How fortunate we are to have a life partner who loves us!" he shared, "Relationships constitute our true riches."
This hindsight has been echoed by several professionals I have encountered since I started my wingspouse company. During one of my wingspouse interviews, I spoke with Lee Matheson, and learned how he felt incredible love for his wife after he survived a near death experience with her by his side. Both of these men express how grateful they are to have recognized the love they had (and still have) in their lives.
This year as you're preparing next year's budget and planning the new year's strategies, do not forget to inventory your own life. Make sure you are not one of those executives who have to be dying to realize what they are about to lose.
Kathi Browne is an executive coach, focused on utilizing spouses as a valuable resource in recruitment, retention, succession planning, health, and more. Kathi encourages spouses to play an active role in the executive career. Her website offers advice to executive couples and HR professionals.
For more information on her wingspouse concept, check out her website at http://wingspouse.com.
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