Often, people see the phrases that talk about or threaten divorce (or taking some time apart) as sort of like crossing a line in the sand. Many people tell me that things are never quite the same after this. That threat is now always looming, even if the couple decide to try to work things out. The person who was on the receiving end of the threat of divorce may likely always be worried that the person who made the threat is still wondering if divorce just might be a better option. So, they're always trying to "prove" that it's better to stay together which can lead to them feeling like they are walking on eggshells or not being genuine or not saying what they really feel for fear of pushing their spouse even further away.

Still, I'm pretty clear on the fact that the mere mention or even serious discussions about a divorce don't mean that the marriage can't be saved. Sometimes quite the opposite is true. Sometimes, when this unspoken threat (that both people just may be thinking anyway,) is actually voiced, the lines of communication are suddenly open and that awkward untouchable thing that's been there for a while is now exposed. This can be a good thing. I'll discuss this more in the following article.

How To Handle It When You've Been Threatened With Divorce, But You Want To Save The Marriage: I can not stress enough that you want to avoid rash or extreme reactions or conversations. You really do not want to act as if the mere mention of divorce means that your marriage is most certainly going to end in that 3, 6, or 8 month time period that it takes for this to become final (or whatever that time frame might be.)

Instead, you want to use this as a spring board to calmly talk about this. Try very hard not to allow for yourself to get so upset that you say or do things that are going to only make this worse. Although calm and controlled might not allow you to feel any relief or release at the time, you will likely look back to see that it was exactly right.

You want to try to keep your reactions very even keeled. Tell your spouse that this conversation is troubling and surprising to you, but that you are certainly willing to sit down, and discuss what both of you might want going forward in an attempt to come up with a solution that works best for both of you. It's OK to say that you don't want a divorce if this is your truth. But, what will often happen is that this is all you are focusing on - keeping them from filing for divorce - so that you're not focused on what is really standing in your way or what is really propelling your spouse forward.

Also, it's important that you are able to put this threat into context. Is this something that you're spouse is saying in reaction to anger, fear, or some volatile situation? Or, is this something that they've been considering for a while and have only come to this decision because they think that nothing is ever going to improve? Are they saying this because they want your reassurance that you're committed to this marriage, since they themselves have been having doubts?

It's very helpful if you can determine where this is coming from, but, having said that, I also have to tell you that sometimes you won't be able to gage this immediately. Sometimes, this won't come out until you've had a series of conversations. It's often very hard for people to be able to get to the essence of the core problems. This is especially true for husbands. They'll often just give you vague phrases like "I'm just not happy and don't see myself as able to be happy with this marriage where it is right now." These sorts of phrases can be frustrating, but it doesn't always mean that they are being evasive. It sometimes means that they, themselves, just don't know. But, what they do know is that this marriage just feels wrong to them right now.

Saving The Marriage When Your Spouse Is Considering Divorce: This situation can be a very slippery slope. You don't want to react so negatively that they think that you are trying to thwart them. This will often make them just want the divorce more. You also don't want to come right out and say or imply that they are reading this all wrong. This is somewhat insulting and it runs counter to your insistence that you just want for them to be happy.

What you want to do is to attempt to buy yourself some time, if you can manage this. You might suggest one of you visiting friends for a while or you may suggest putting any decisions about a divorce off of the table for say, six months. This would give you both some time to attempt to improve things before you make a life changing decision.

You always want to remember how your reactions are being perceived. And, even if you can get this reprieve, you don't want to keep bringing up the divorce and or to continuously ask what they are thinking or where they are leaning right now. Your best bet is to just focus on the positive. You want to create an atmosphere of a joint effort where the two of you are again partners and working toward one goal. Don't make this difficult because you're not acting like yourself out of fear of doing something wrong.

Here's the thing. You already know that your spouse loves you for who you really are. Now, it's just time to come back to a place where you can interact as the people that you both are deep down. You want to take a break from the stress, the tension, the jobs, the chores, and the things that blur the lines of who you both were in the first place.