People come into my office looking for answers to difficulties in their relationships. The problem is that no psychologist has a magic wand or an easy answer. To improve your relationships, both at work and at home, both casual acquaintances and your marriage, you have to be willing to make changes. Most particularly, you must be willing to hold back your automatic responses to anxiety.

Anxiety is our body's natural response to any real or perceived threat. Our bodies are hard-wired to respond to anxiety with defensiveness. We respond defensively using direct attacks such as: criticism, denial, upping the volume, making threats, mean sarcasm, and others. We respond defensively in passive ways such as: withdrawal, silence, leaving the scene, crying, or "fogging" out. We all have anxiety and make responses to try and rid ourselves of the uncomfortable feelings that come with anxiety.

Even the slightest difference of opinion can stimulate anxiety, and send you or me into an automatic pattern of defensiveness. One of the most automatic and tiring defensive battles is when two people are in a "push-pull" tug-of-war to be "right." What's funny is that while in battle, we, of course, deny that being right is important. But still we keep on predictably repeating our arguments and trying to convince the other person to agree.

For Example, Person A says: "I think we should stop for gas now, before the tank is any lower." Person B says, "No, you're just a worrier, fill it up now is just an extra stop." Here Person A has a chance to go into automatic, non-thinking defensiveness, "You're the one with the problem. You're stubborn and pushy." Or he or she can slow down and be more thoughtful and not attack the character of Person B, by saying something like, "I know I'm not always right about these things..."

What you say after you admit clearly that you are not always right isn't all that important. The fact that you have stated straight out that you are not an enemy means the conversation will go better. Practice: "I know I'm not always right about these things...I know I'm not always right about these things....I know I'm not always right about these things..."