You sit there and ask yourself, "What are the best ways of getting my ex back?"

This thought goes round and round in your mind. You may not understand what happened but the fact is that there is usually a lead up to an action of breaking up a close relationship.

In many cases there has been a breakdown in communication. Did you and your ex talk openly? Or even more importantly did you and your ex listen to each other? Was there enough sensitivity to the verbal and non verbal communication you both exhibited? Did you ever have any open and honest discussion about your relationship?

I saw my friend reading a book I had read many years ago. It was a very popular self-help book at the time. It was called I'm OK You're OK by Dr. Thomas Harris. I think it may be out of print now but you may be successful in getting it by hunting around in second hand bookshops or market stalls.

Anyway seeing her reading this book suddenly reminded me of the importance of communication. In a simple way it described the mind as consisting of three parts-the child, the adult and the parent. It illustrated how successful communication occurs and also what happens to cause a break down in communication. I am not going into the nitty gritty here but suffice it to say that it promotes a higher degree of understanding of, and clarifies the mechanics of, the communication process. It made it easier for me to see my part in this.

One of the points which was meaningful to me was that we often associate our self esteem and good feelings with another person. We sort of think that being happy, or thinking we are OK, depends on outside sources, in this case our ex. This responsibility is a huge burden to have either placed on you or to place on another. The whole point of self development and growth is to reach the realisation of I'm OK and you are also OK. There is no blame or panic associated with another person (your ex) or his/her actions.

Whatever the feelings, they are yours and you can change them by changing your beliefs. When you have healed yourself to the point where you no longer rely on your ex for happiness: you no longer make him responsible for your feelings-good or bad-then you are in a better position to give to the relationship. It is timely now to ask yourself, 'What are the best ways of getting my ex back?

There are actions you can take in a genuine and sincere way that may help bring about the reconciliation you want. That is if you do still want to do that after you have worked successfully on changing yourself.