Ok, so discusser isn't a word. I love making up words when I know that even though it isn't in the dictionary that most people know what I mean. So, what's an avoider?

Avoiders, generally speaking are people in relationships who choose not to participate in a conversation about certain subjects that they feel might make them feel; inadequate, stupid, vulnerable or cause conflict that they would rather just not deal with - now or ever. Avoiders create a great deal of stress for themselves in their lives by putting off discussing issues that usually don't go away but come back to haunt them at some future time.

Discussers are people who find it better, both in the short and long term, to deal with relationship or personal stuff as it surfaces no matter how painful it might be. They know either instinctively or from experience that putting these kinds of conversations on hold don't add to the overall quality of the relationship for the long term.

Sure there may be benefits to not discussing your relationship troubles while at a restaurant having dinner and the couple sitting behind you can eavesdrop on your every word, but my guess is that if, as a couple, you haven't learned or developed ways to discuss certain types of relationship challenges, regardless of where you are, there will never be the ideal place or time to do it at all. Hence, another stuffed conversation about; needs, desires, feelings, dreams, hopes, frustrations, fears or any number of life issues you are facing.

Let's face it hopefully your partner is the one person you can talk to, I mean really talk to about these matters. If they aren't you may want to take a closer look at your relationship in general.

I can tell you, in a former relationship, that because of her; discussion style which was almost always aggressive, invalidating and generally not respectful, I learned over time to become one of the world's best avoiders. But in the long run, because of her approach and my response nothing of importance in the relationship ever got discussed or resolved. As a result, the distance between us got wider and wider with time until one day we realized that we didn't have a relationship at all, one worth salvaging anyway.

How about you? Are you an avoider? A discusser? Depends on the subject? Depends on the time of day? The day of the week?

From personal experience I can tell you that generally women tend to be discussers and men avoiders. Why is this? I have some ideas, in fact I put several of them in my forthcoming book that I hope to have on the market by mid September - Why Are Women Always Right? It's really a fun read and please - this goes for both of you women and men - don't get your panties in a wad or all uptight and defensive if you decide to buy it and read it. Stay tuned, I'll let you know when it's available.