Sounds familiar? You may wonder why you keep choosing the "wrong" guy to be in a relationship with over and over again when you clearly know what you want. You know you want someone who is faithful to you, someone who is loving, committed and honest. Someone you can share your life with not just a few stormy nights and then wait and wonder when will you hear from him again. You know he is not right for you and you know you feel hurt as a result of his behavior but you just can't quit and you keep coming back over and over again.

Why is that so? Actually there is a good reason why you do what you do. It's all about your needs. You stay with this person because he meets some of your very important basic needs and you're frustrated and many times think about leaving him because there are other needs you have that are just as important to you that are not being met.

So what do you do? You may decide to take a "cold turkey" approach, cut all the contact with this person and be the "tough one." Or, you may just continue to go back to that guy and "figure it out" what this relationship is doing for you. Either way, this is a hard choice to make especially because our situations are just as different as we are. The good news is that it doesn't have to be that hard and you don't have to make this choice right now. The only choice you do have to make is to realize that this person will NEVER meet your unmet needs, and it is not his job to do so in the first place. It is your primary essential responsibility to meet your own needs. Aha!

How do you do that? First of all you need to know what your needs are. Sounds simple, but it is surprising how many people out there either don't know their own needs or pretend to ignore them, dismiss them, judge themselves for having needs and being too needy and therefore chose to deny their own needs. I am not talking about the kind of needs that keep you alive like food, air, water and rest. I am talking about the kind of needs that if unmet you will still be alive and functional, but miserable. Ignoring those kind of needs will surely not only keep you attracted to emotionally unavailable people; it will make you emotionally unavailable to yourself and others.

Is it really that simple? Yes it is, but as the saying goes, not easy. It will take a lot of courage, compassion, humility and determination to accept the fact that you have a need to be loved, accepted, appreciated and respected for who you are, a need to connect and share intimacy with another person, to be in your integrity, to be heard and understood, to be valued, and be with someone whom you feel comfortable asking to meet your needs. It is not too needy nor is it weak, it is just human. Knowing your needs to their basic core is the first step to progress in your journey from recovery from a destructive relationship to a healthy loving relationship you desire.